This Old Lady

Everyday, we as young people, walk through the aisles of grocery stores, pass by people on the street, in cars or maybe even walking... and never stop to think... I wonder what type of life did this old lady live? In this day and age, things tend to change overnight, it seems like. And to imagine ourselves at the age that they are and what they have achieved or even just seen, I feel is amazing!

I knew an old lady once. I knew her rather well. She never complained and she never boasted about her past. A very mysterious lady, however when you asked her a question about anything that had happened in her life, she didn't hesitate to tell you. And be assured, the details you would receive. But the catch was not knowing anything about this lady to begin with and her being just another lady on the street or even an old lady that happens to be apart of your family, you never knew what to ask about. This old lady was my grandmother, a woman that I loved dearly for the mere fact she raised me, I loved for no reason at all, just for knowing the things that she knew (which was EVERYTHING). I stand proud and tall to say that their is no raising like that of an elderly with the old fashioned rules, even though we never seemed to follow through with them through our youth with our hardheaded asses. LOL!

I wish that I knew how to instill the things in my kids the way that she instilled into my sister and I. I wish that I had the patience that she did to actually sit down and deal with the stuttering and stumbling over words when trying to teach my son how to read. I wish that I could not lose my cool in the grocery store when my kids would run off and play hide and seek in the midst of the aisles the same way that me and my little sister use to. I wish I had the strength to make it seem like there is not a problem in the world. I wish that my eye's could change colors with my moods, the way hers did. I wish that my hair was long, black and straight like hers. I wish that my finger nails were as long as hers. I wish I had the literature to light into somebody when they need to realize that they done messed with the wrong one. It's something about those wrinkles and seeing the worriation permanently imprinted in her forehead from the past trials that she has been through. Surprisingly, these wrinkles didn't come from the bad ass kids that she had the pleasure of raising. Surprisingly these are the gifts that, apparently we all get as we grow old with time. Wow! was she an awesome creature from her hair, to her eyes, her lips, her moles, even the little flab under her arms: she was beautiful!!! Indeed I loved her and as I write this the very day before her birthday, I continue to praise myself for being apart of her but I feel I have failed so short of her reverence. One thing I do know is that I could never be her or even pretend to be, but I would like to think that I could possibly hold even an ounce of strength that she did. She was a strong woman, another "this old lady", she was my grandmother, she was my mother.

As we get deeper into my blog, this personal, live diary of my life... OF course we may find ourselves stumbling into the most personal and deep portions that lie within my subconscious. Things I choose not to talk about on a day to day basis. So in an itty bitty small amount of ways, you might could see that mysterious side of me because the things that aren't said in my average conversation, will probably be said here. This old lady past away in October of 2000. I will never forget my mother telling me that she was gone in the middle of the night. Like waking up from one of the most horrible nightmares ever and your body is paralyzed with the fear... I couldn't move and my body hurt. My eyes opened and all I gazed and focused on was the new bright moon that shined outside of my window that night which is a constant reminder of her. It's my signature for her. Steady dosing off and waking up from different scenarios and endings of the same dream.. that night was the most horrible night of my life.  This particular night was the night when I knew that life would never be the same. Of all the funerals I have been to, the way I handled hers was the strangest. There was no breakdown, no crying but only a few tears to be shed. I had absolutely nothing in me. I was numb. I was here but I wasn't. I didn't believe she was gone. I was in a state of shock and did not know it. I missed a whole week of school returning on a Friday. I remember the looks I received from everyone as I walked through the doors. They knew this wasn't taken lightly. It's really hard to explain how I didn't want to move on with my life while at the same time I was still in motion and living. Quicker than I had expected, I regained consciousness. My mother told me I should wait to go to college. But not listening and looking at the bigger picture, I wanted to be hardheaded and sure enough, this is where I realized that my grandmother was really gone. And oh boy did it get ugly!!! I became suicidal and fell deep into a state of depression. If I recall, I don't think anyone knew about this. Not even my friends in college. Resorts to smoking weed and drinking would numb the pain. Thoughts of the most peaceful death that I could place upon myself floated constantly through my mind... pills?, find a gun?, jump?, slit my wrist?... but please believe that this would have to be well thought out because I would have to make it an easy clean up for my parents. (Remember we are talking about the over-thinker here) Well as you can see... it never happened.

Even though, this seems to be random writing, to me, and random thoughts... I think my moral of this story is we should stop and look at these little old ladies and try to predict what the wrinkles (which are actually gold medals) actually stand for. Please believe that it is actually something honorary, Nobel peace prizes, the who's who, academic scholars of Harvard University. The elderly to come in this new age, will never amount to the ones that traveled from the segregated days, to the switching over of new age technologies and still being able to adjust to the changes. The wisdom this old lady or even the next little old lady could never be surpassed by any academic scholar. My old lady was it!! She was the Kilimanjaro Mountains, she was the Pyramids in Egypt, Hidden Cities, the rain forest in Brazil, the Grand Canyon, the forbidden seas, even the Seven Wonders of the World.. she is and was everything that I couldn't see but was still imaginable and even possible. This was my love. This was everything in me that I never knew I had or could project on another being. After all was said and done, I became an introvert and never understood why. I was tucked so deep under her wing that my flight would never leave land as it should have. And on that note, here is where I realized that my everything was lost.

Before we come to the conclusions and the "The Ends" and the "Happily Ever Afters" or even the horrible endings... everyone should take the time to stop and think outside the box a little in every situation but in some others, the most. We take for granted the most gifted bits and pieces of our life that amount to huge and fulfilling blessings... and then later on down the road we think back to what meant the most, after it's gone. I will never forget her telling me, "cuteness will kill you", "never judge anyone for what they do", "you have a lot more to work on before fixing your hair in the mirror","hard head make a soft ass", "be quiet during thunderstorms, the Lord is doing his work"... oh my! The list goes on. Those quotes that she shot me with stick with me now. Remembering back to the talks we use to have and it seemed that she understood me as well as all her other grand kids to the tee, as if we were one or if she was already placed in our minds. Who knew that the most beautiful thing ever would only be guaranteed to me for 17 years of my life and I remain jealous of the ones who were able to know her longer than that measly 17. Another holiday gone to waste... September 10th, that would be 72 years in the making. I wish you were here to hit me with that hardcore straightness during these adult years. Set me on the straight away and make sure I'm on the right path or at least tell me what I should be doing. I'm lost without you. She was my GPS through life and the Harbor that shined my light at night is no longer lit. As you rest in peace Old Lady, I truly pray that you can hear me saying, after 11 years, it will never be and has never been the same without you. Having respect for your elders is preached for a reason. Trust that it's not because they are old or feeble or even out of their minds, slightly. The same people you respect with money, power and fame aren't nowhere near gaining the same respect as you should give to the little lady you are blowing at on the highway. Happy Birthday Grandma "Spook"!

Until next time bloggers...