Love Fiend

I... need a... fix
A loooonnng fix...

Take a walk amongst the addicts
And ad-dict to the "bliss"
I want a "forever"
Pop a pill of "intense"

Oh yeah! And hit me with some of that "passion".... umph

I needs to go stock up on my paraphernalia
cause I needs that fix!!
A loooonnnnggg fix

Hey Doc!! I'm so sick!!
Prescribe me some of them "drama" killas
with minimal side effects
A strong 800mg "man" for my love pressure

So fed up with heart aches and spasms
I need to be fixed
I need that love, I want that love

Set me up for the "copulation" surgical procedure
Surgery did me some justice Doc
no need for recovery
The heart didn't reject this body
blood flowed right through my veins
I would be doing great if you just go ahead and fix me.

My name is "Love Fiend" and I need that fix

Give me that drug Mr. Pusher Man!!
I can pay what it cost
Hell! Mr. Pusher Man!! That drug needs me...

I can control the itch
I got this in the bag
Promise I won't let myself go
Promise I won't go mad

But you pushin' it Mr. Pusher Man!
you pushin' it real hard
I said my name is "Love Fiend"
and I need this fix before I starve

No doctors, no dealers
I refuse to check myself in
I want that shit Doc! And I want it now
Just a little bit Mr. Pusher Man
little now, maybe a little later
Gots to have the fix and I gots to have it now!

My name is "Love Fiend" and I need a fix

Candi

My Confession: 2 Men, 1 Body, 1 Love

Dear Lover,

I came to plea my confession. Not of my confession that I am overly bound to you by love, but the confession of a love so deep that it hurts. A confession that I've never confessed to no other before. I'm drawn to a man I once knew. I'm drawn to this man that was once drawn to me too. I move through days in caution and slow pace, careful to not run into an alternative fore I know one day this man who I thought was you will soon make himself present in my presence. I confess that my everything was once yours and I confess that my travels flew far beyond the brim of the seas where the sun rises and sets. I confess that my body grew at war within itself on the simplest of days where no words were said... no fears to be had; only because the life form that I craved was made available to me.

Dear Lover, I gave myself to you! I confess that the temporary enjoyment this new man has deprived me of, deserves the most deceitful revenge. BUT, Lover, I can't do it. I confess that I dwell on the old love that was once new love and as fresh and sweet smelling as a rose. I confess that I continue to water this dieing scientific factor. I confess that I truely believe in your darkened and hardened petals, that life fomulates somewhere within. I confess that my anger is overpowered by your breath. I carry armor to battle an army but somehow the weapons you do not carry seems to defeat. I am no match. No match against the man that stands in between me and my love. My completion of a 360 degree angle remains complete welded by memory. Complete due to history. I yearn for dreams of fairytale happiness. I confess that I believe in the life after death.

Lover I confess!I confess that my begging shows me no shame and I remain confused as to why my pen writes so deeply for the hollowed soul walking amongst me. I'm at war with myself when I should be at war with the man who left me this way. I confess my wants to wear your heart on my sleeve. I should be at war with my once ultimate lover who left me this way. I confess that my commitment continues to be commited through some unknown off-balanced equilibrium malfunction. I confess that my Lover is my lover no more. Coming to grips with the deletion of what I stand for? I continue to battle with the man that stands in the way of who he use to be. The lover that once had a true love for me. I confess my eager heart diving in first. I confess that it stings as I try to snatch it back. Because the man I once knew still has a grip, tight hold and squeeze... 'til I'm left breathless and weak. There is no fighting off this new man you grew to be. But I continue to tear through cement block walls. And Lover, I gets nowhere..... I gets nowhere.

AND still, I kneal at my loves feet. He has to see me! I confessed to the new lover that my old lover's face is who I must see. Confess that my heart remains in critical condition because the weight of my old love has been placed upon me. I confess that I'm keeping it safe until ready to be used. Then I confess that I don't want the new you. I want my lover that loved me back so hard. Fallen victim of love battery and assault charges. The love that carried me through abnormal body pleasures and fulfilled dreams of what most women spend their lives searching for. I confess that I convinced myself that you would return. I confess that I look through the face of the man you came to be.. my old lover has to see me! I confess that I carry regret for not regreting the experience. And I confess that I am a repeat offender. I know that what I search for is still in there. New Love, you must step aside fore my Old Love awaits. I confess that I am ashamed of what you have become and even more ashamed of losing you. Confess that I feel like its my fault you have changed. I can't let my Lover down.

My Lover, I confess that I did what I thought I was suppose to. I confess that the sound of my name was like song and everytime you speak, "it's me you're looking for"... Dear Lover what do I do? I know I am losing you. I confess that, in reality, I've already lost you. Continuously lie to myself about you still being here. Making myself to believe you search for my love too. I confess that I know it's time to let go and that my endeavors of a love in a new physical form will be of no good use. I confess that my time here is done...

Me

Liars, Cheaters and Thieves

If there is one thing I cannot stand, my absolute one pet peeve, it's dishonesty. The one thing that people tend not to understand is how honesty and loyalty really goes hand in hand and falls under a category all in it's own. If you feel like you are a loyal individual (generally speaking) a well-rounded, humbled individual.. there are probably laws that are followed by you in order to make you feel like you fall in this category. However, you cannot consider yourself to be this loyal individual if you dish out lies or minor fuck ups every now and again because you think it's ok. Not too much and just enough to subside your low blood sugar level. Regardless of what your laws (what you believe) may be behind your loyalty status, the number 1 Common Law should always be to never lie. Soon after, everything else (cheater and thief!) falls right in line. You can't pick and choose. Either you are going to be an all-around liar/cheater/thief or you are going to live by common law of loyalty. And if your loyalty is just that great for someone or something (so you say), then there should be no problem honoring up to the part that should be played. The part that should consist of all honesty along with the respect for the others personal circumference. But of course, first and foremost, you must be loyal to yourself. Use the common sense God gave you to analyze everything that surrounds you. What makes you happy and your clock tick? Living a lie can't possibly be all that comfortable. It's possible for someone to feed so many lies into others as well as their own brain, that they will actually start believing themselves. A whole new world order can erupt off these culprits alone. Everything is a lie, down to the drawers that they insist are clean. And in the midst of ducking and dodging through these lies, the culprit finds themselves buried alive under what never had to be dug up in the first place. It wasn't ever really time for a funeral.

Liars, cheaters, and thieves! Different words. Different definitions, even. Same person, can't be one without the other. In all fairness of just having simple common sense, why even go through the hassle? It's more work to sit there and rummage through the thought process of what is going to be said and what the outcome may be if THIS "falsified" story is given instead of the real story. Down the path we go where, already, cheating someone out of their time has taken place on top of the faith and trust (which is always given freely), and a small portion of someone's self esteem has been stolen along with a cup of dignity and a side of pride. Why self esteem? Because "culprit" already has in mind that "victim" wouldn't have sense enough to handle the truth in the first place. If "culprit" knew "victim" was that senseless, why even bother to go through the motions? "Culprits" thinking process is a shot to the face on top of the first shot that was blasted when the truth was revealed before the "culprit's" half ass confession; in which, I might add, had to be forced out under surrender. How would "culprit" know what sense "victim" has or what could be handled if the best interest was only in themselves anyway? "Culprit" never once thought about "victim". "Victim" is the victim because they are either too sensitive, crazy, head-strong, anything other than understanding to why they were victimized in the first place. And "culprit" is selfish and continuously performs acts under discretion due to the fact that... it can be done. There's not much else to it. There is no deeper level of thinking, how rough the childhood ventures were, or how horrible past relationships ended. No extra thought process with this one.

If "culprit" decides to be in a relationship and is cheating, why commit to a commitment that will never stand ground due to other needs and wants that are desired and aren't being provided? I repeat: "be loyal to yourself". If "culprit" joins a gang and ends up snitching or leaving one of the bruhs behind in some big shoot-out brawl, then why swear into this brotherhood if the loyalty was never there in the first place and you knew you didn't have the heart for it (or the stomach)? It's like marriage, but only to a bunch of random people and no paperwork. Why go through random situations that can't be talked about? Why should it be a big secret for whoever not to know?

(And let me be clear, I do not mean you did something and you should just go tell the world. This is if a situation arises, and a question is asked.. ie: Victim,"so what store did you go to?" Culprit,"I went to WalMart"... when in fact, culprit went to Sam's Food Club because "victim" saw the receipt. Victims question, after finding out would probably be, "why would you lie? Is that really necessary?" and this is a mere playful example for those that lack common sense)

Think about it, if "culprit" can't share the news with whoever, then a light should come on giving off the image of this action NOT taking place. Isn't it more work for "culprit" in the end if the image is ignored? "Culprit" has to come up with this story, make sure it's being told without the studder, and to remember it just in case it happens to come up again. "Culprit" also has to keep in mind that, more than likely, the story will come up again because "victim" was more affected by the sequence of events that had taken place. Anyone with common sense would think that the average person would rather live their lives free of guilt and extra worries. Especially burdens that are placed on themselves by themselves. And this is where the saying comes into play, "you can't have your cake and eat it too".

Wouldn't it be 10 times more comfy to keep the circle at the original 360 degrees? No gaps. Wouldn't it feel better to be surrounded by people who are worth the time and investment of providing that loyalty and honesty? No one should even want another being around where you feel like you have to do cruel things to, based off of assumptions of how understanding you think the victim would be after committing some retarded ass crime towards them, that is, the victim (let's be clear). Truth be told, if there is a victim anywhere in the circumference, basically, the worth of them is unvaluable. They are taking up space. "Culprits" space. Space that could be filled by one that is valuable enough to be shared with, if the extra time was put into the investment of actually searching for that person rather than settling for "victim" and coming up with new lies. Doesn't have to be lied to, cheated on, or stolen from. Friends, gangs, relationships, hobbies, whatever/whoever should be chosen wisely. A whole new thought process but a way better method of what could prevent a lot of crimes from being committed. Free from having to justify likes or dislikes according to the next person, which ends up being the victim. Free to be yourself not the "culprit". There is always an alternative. An either/or: either it's condoned or it's not. People are made different for a reason. The only hard part is finding one that share resemblences within the 2 parties. Believe it or not, but this makes all the difference in whether or not you will be lied to, cheated on, or stolen from.

I shall return with more honesty. No liars, No cheaters, No thieves allowed!

Facebook Hoe

Over the course of the years and a quick recap of my social site timeline, I have went from AOL chat rooms, to BlackPlanet, to MySpace, along with a few others (that didn't float my boat). And then... I gets to Facebook... which has damn near shut everything else down. You cant personalize your profile but the same access that you received with most other sites, you recieve here as well: along with a newsfeed of what and how everybody is doing. I haven't studied up on this, but to my understanding, I thought that FB was solely for people to keep in contact with close family and friends. To my amazement, I was wrong. Think that's just what I wanted it to be for. A way to keep in touch with the long lost. Everybody is on FB, so you can easily search for someone by their real name, school, or location. Of course, like anything else in today's society, people tend to take privileges given to them and turn it into a whole new corrupt downgrade of what their real purposes serve. I'll give you my points of the matter.

First let's just define the fact that Facebook is a social site, NOT a dating site. Be clear... EHarmony is a dating site. Seems like now, once people sit behind a computer screen, they all of sudden grow these huge balls and feel like they can conquer the world. Random friend request sent out to people who you probably wouldn't even speak to on the street. A new personality of outgoing and spontaneous (on the computer) somehow derives from non sociable or maybe stuck up (in person).  They aren't that shy in front of the computer and liable to type anything that comes to mind. Most of the time that's, of course, some shit that they dare not say aloud to anyone's face. Let me be clear (in this paragraph) that these are general accusations. This could go for what some call Facebook Thug, Facebook Hoe, Facebook Friends (meaning they are only friends on Facebook), Facebook Addicts and whatever others I have not mentioned and don't really car too much about no way. Their whole lives are invested into this project/hobby/career. Facebook reps to maintain. Looking to gain promotions.

Bookers just have to post the photos from the vacation that them and their boo just went on, or their new baby, club nights, gifts. Whereas on the other end... "Boo" is probably chit chatting it up with old flings and meeting new hoes. The definition of infidelity still remains the same even if it's on Facebook. Although profiles clearly states "in a relationship with ...." (in your case, Boo of course), it's apparent that they was a FB hoe BEFORE the new relationship status change. Clearly, some things don't change just because the both of your relationship status' did. Those friends were there before the changes and will remain there as long as they serve a purporse to have easy contact access without being so public. I also would like to state that these are the same friends that you will never be honarably introduced to formally. If you ask me, you can't be in a relationship on Facebook if you can't come to understandings about the friends that are kept and why they have to be kept in touch with. The same way you can't be in a relationship and go to the club every single weekend, the same way you can't be famous and marry a nobody and think that they will adjust to the cameras or your crazy lifestyle overnight.

Unless the usage for FB is for promotional status of music, writing, businesses; This basically puts every Tom, Dick and Helen in your business for one and if shit isn't going good, you best believe that one of them isn't too far behind to make up for what they think "Boo" is lacking and only because they are subscribed to "Boo's" page. Something that can't be controlled by neither sides unless "Boo" takes it upon themselves to delete whoever (which we all know will never happen). Pointing out the clear situations that should be common sense, if you are already addicted, then you will probably come up with every possible way to cover up for the bullshit that people tend to fall behind.

There is always the inbox. There is always the instant message chat boxes. Just a little small amount of privacy to get "it" in. There are the stupid little games that grown ass people play: "inbox me whatever and I will post on my wall what I think about you". LOL!! Grow up! I had the pleasure of a full throttle 2 years on FB and don't miss not one bit of it. Sucked in by the new info you could receive in just a matter of seconds. It was like the newspaper: beef, dumb ass people getting caught up in love triangle quarrels, befriending those that really aren't your friend to be nosey, swapping passwords with friends to see someone else's page, reading the comments posted rather than looking at the pictures. Statuses turns into back and forth bickering between couples and enemies, which at one point or another use to be mushy, so sweet shout outs (which we all know doesn't last long). Everytime something changes on your profile, everyone sees it and of course (here we go) provides their $0.02 on how they feel about the situation. Really? lol! who the fuck cares cares how you feel about it? Especially if "Boo" is now engaged but everybody else know they still messing with "Hoe". Apparently, the 1,000 and some odd people that are unknown on the friends list serves only the purpose to be a self esteem booster after doing something that didn't have any business getting done. The dummies who really don't know what the status is talking about but somehow still got your back. smh Most of which, I might add, are either random bitches (if you are a guy) or random dudes (if you are female). SO in all, what does that make you?

Facebook Hoe! Here is where you get dirty because on the computer, you can be with as many people as you like. You can talk to as many people as you like and all at once. No one has to know or wouldn't know unless you told. No one is fighting for your time and no one has to wait their turn. And why would they, their dumb asses probably actually believe that they are the only one pleasing you with these mindless, small brained conversations. You're walking the hoe stroll in a life of luxury because no one is playing tug-o-war with your ass. On top of the fact, there is no way that you could see yourself deleting your page or them because that would destroy your hoeish reputation which comes off as humble and charming to the dummies. You absolutely have to stay ahead of the game. For all you know, there are some other hoes out there, just like you, that wouldn't mind being on your hoe list too. No commitments, no strings attached and low and behold if you make it beyond the walls of technology, beyond Facebook, then you are really on a roll. Shit!! You basically got fucked for some measely Facebook conversation which only sounded good on the screen. After that, what are you left with? Do you continue to converse through Facebook about the night, day or whatever or have we upgraded to text messaging? LMAO!!! Seriously people! Come on!!

OK bloggers... now let's use some common sense. I deleted my Facebook page because of all the 200 and some people I had on my "friend's list", I wanted to see how many I would talk to on a day to day, weekly or even on a monthly basis. When I announced that I was leaving, everyone was like, "aww, :(, dont go, we gonna miss you" BULLSHIT!!! Facebook can kiss my ass! I had to use my common sense and think for a second (cause that is all it took) have we all just gotten that lazy where we can't email pictures of the kids or pick up the phone and dial someone? Meeting someone randomly while you just so happen to be shopping or hanging out with friends is just too much work? Are we that lazy that we would rather sit at a computer or lock into our phones? Yes! the answer is YES!! And you would be excited to know that I have not heard from not one soul on that Facebook "friend's list" (with the exception of those that I see and talk to everyday, 2 friends and family) which means the others weren't friends in the first place. Just think about it, those hoes that commence to having those flirty convos back and forth through inbox messaging or IM, would it be the same convo if talking in person or over the phone? Hell no!! Apparently the keyboard serves a purpose to somehow help get people to the starting line to getting their rocks off. Would them hoes actually invest into the real work it would take to pick up a phone and hold a real conversation? Maybe they don't have anything else to talk about. Most hoes don't anyway, they are only good at talking about how good the sex would be if,  and only IF you were to come from behind that computer or your phone. WOW! So much time invested into such small intellegence. I'm so amazed at how it takes so little to actually create much stimulation. You would think some people would want so much more.

OK I think I'm done for today. I would go post this on Facebook but I don't have one. LMAO!! Good day bloggers.

Help VS. $0.02

I hate hardcore days! Days where you have limited access to shit due to the fact you may lack the essential resources to get them done. If you are having a hard time interpreting, I'll give you a few examples: no money, no car, don't have your own home, etc. Hope that's a pretty picture for you and also the fact that, everybody needs a little help every now and again. No matter what you think or believe, nothing ever happens in this world by one person, alone.

Now.. let's jump on the subject of the helping hand verses the $0.02.  When it gets down to crunch time, or maybe when you feel like you have hit rock bottom, you lose your pride to an extent. Not enough to get on your knees and beg, but just enough for you to open your mouth and ask someone else for a little bit of help. Of course, if it concerns my babies, I have no problem with begging on my knees if need be but most of the time I just rather walk through hell and hope that a cup of ice last me on my journey. I think a lot of people have a hard time differentiating the two. There is in fact a difference between being a help and just giving your 2 cents on a question being asked. Once again, I'll try to generalize these examples. But let it be known that everything I write about is either about me or some shit I have seen. Most of the time, we talk about me.

First focus... your 2 cents/$0.02, whatever. It's all the same thing. If I come to you and I give you a scenario of some shit I need to figure out... some shit that has to get done. Honestly, if you could, I would expect for you to jump in somewhere and say, "hey, well if you need this part, then I can help you with that." Noooo, instead you give me other alternatives of how to handle my situation. Probably alternatives that I have already been through in my thought process. But it's not like you are going over the process of elimination with me to see if I have conquered all avenues. You are for sure that you know exactly what you are talking about, like you are in my shoes and tells me what I should have done or what answers you know (for fact!!) that I would have gotten from someone else. Let me try to give you an example... I say to a friend, "well, Bless birthday party is tomorrow and I have to finish up this shopping, but I have no idea how the hell I'm going to get all this shit done when I have to ... blah blah blah blah....." The friend, "well what you should do is just go ask so and so to give you their car and then tell so and so to meet you at this place. That way, you won't have to be blah blah blah blah blah...". Really? Are you serious?! So you mean to tell me that you already talked to so and so, and know (for fact) that they are going to do all this shit that you are telling me to tell them to do? I don't get it. I didn't ask for advice on the situation. In other words, I didn't ask for your $0.02. But you damn sure offers it at the time that I definitely do not need it.

Second focus.. the helping hand. Not really much to elaborate on here. True helping hands usually consist of lots and lots of common sense because they already know what their purpose serves if they are called out the blue by someone. And let me also be clear about some realistic reality shit. Normally... when people call out the blue to, what seems like, "vent".. it's really to ask you for some help. But only in so many words in hopes of not getting let down because of the adventure they have already been on prior to your phone call. Now that's just common sense. Anywho... helping hand jumps right in. You really don't even need to ask anything. They already have the solution. The solution never started out with you telling your full drawn out story about how many times you were already given an excuse of why the others couldn't help either. Helping hand doesn't need to know. Helping hand wants to know what you want and how they can be of service. And if they can't be of service, helping hand actually provides manual helping hands. They will stick their neck out for you probably further than you have already stuck your own neck out. And on top of that, it really doesn't even have to be that serious. Making a phone call for you or actually looking for another alternative with you to help solve your problem is more than enough. Now that's what I call a helping hand! Not a selfish bone in their body and they realize that they don't have to fake dumb blonde moments/beat around the bush with you just to hear or try to make you ask what you really didn't want to in the first place. They empathize with you, already know what you are going through. They put themselves in your shoes. Helping hand gots a plan!

Tell me people.. are you a helping hand or are you a $0.02 provider. It's clear to me where the whole ebonic definition of the $0.02 slang came from. It doesn't pay for shit. Exactly! Please tell me what the fuck you can buy for 2 cents. Nowadays in the grocery stores or wherever you are shopping, it doesn't even take care of the taxes. Viewing from a day to day living standpoint. So now we see how much of your advice or 2 cents is really worth. Your 2 cents is only needed when I'm here to talk about my problems. Your 2 cents is only needed when I write these blogs and I request for your 2 cents back because it really means a lot to write about shit that people acually go through or want to read about to know that they are not alone. As a matter of fact, I thought that they were eliminating the usage of pennies anyway? Ok now somebody can voice their 2 cents on this matter and tell me who came up with this lie. If I could receive that 2 cents every time someone opened their mouth to give it,  we probably wouldn't even be discussing this in my blog. We would be talking about how I love when people give me their 2 cents and how I became filthy fucking rich off of it.

So at the end of the day, when all is said and done and you found out that whatever help I needed wasn't provided... don't take it upon yourself to tell me what I should have done or what I could have done or even what YOU would have done. Guess what? Who gives a fuck? It serves no purpose. It doesn't matter anymore because when I was scrounging around for help, your 2 cents wasn't there in the beginning to tell me what I'm doing wrong and the right way that it should have been done. Which, let me remind you, still don't mean a damn thing. Honestly, I would just rather for you to sit in silence. I would rather hear your response of, "umph.", "damn! that's fucked up", or even "well, what you gonna do." The usual responses when you're gossiping about some juicy shit over the phone. These responses right here let's me know, first hand, that after I finish telling you whatever I'm going to tell you, then it's time to hang up because you've made it clear that you can't do shit for me anyway. And that's ok. No need to waste my time when I could be calling the next person to vent that might actually jump in and say, "yea, I can help." If all you are going to do is listen and you know there isn't shit that you can do for me anyway, then why add on to the responses that were so perfect as they were in the beginning before you added the 2 cents. You know, as I grow older, I find that the quotes people throw at you actually have lots of subliminal meanings and can be applied to more situations than one. My example for today, "think before you speak." Think about all of the bullshit I just endured before talking to you, think about what my resources are that I already have to work with, think about the bigger picture, think about my surroundings, about me, about my babies before you decide to offer money that I didn't ask for because it's nowhere near the cost of my bills. Think about how that whole senario to solve my problems that you came up with is probably a bunch of bullshit and you have absolutely no idea what the hell you are talking about. Whew! Not enough common sense in the world for all of this. I'm really asking for way too much right now. Gotta love those people that think that they are just too smart for their own fancy pants, which they probably tried to tell you how to shop for a pair of your own. They have an answer for everything.

And on that note, this is my 2 cents... so spend it wisely bloggers...

Wolves run in Packs

Focal point of today came about off of new found information that was really old. As old sayings go: "birds of a feather, flock together", "wolves run in packs", "what's done in the dark, soon comes to the light", blah blah blah... I stand corrected that in all of these cases, they usually prove themselves at some point and time to be true. Growing up in my day (80's baby) I was one of those people that considered myself to be an individual, and that I wasn't easily influenced, and that I don't do everything that my friends do, and these statements aren't true. Oh.. so young then. It takes me 28 years to recap certain areas of my life and to finally realize how they came about and what purpose they served.

As life begins to occur on your journeys, it is apparent that nobody lives the same lives. So what happens in your close friends lives are effective on yours. You put yourself out there for them and project off emotions and feelings when they are going through there ups and downs and it's vice versa on their ends for you as well. Awwww, this is sooo sweet... but let's get to the nitty gritty of the real subject at hand here. We all are going through lifes rollercoasters, the bullshit, the drama. Here is where shit gets sticky and then friends start taking up for friends and getting involved in the other's fuck ups to cover for them. So, like me, you want to exclude yourself and become one. First thing YOU say or have heard is, "I don't have anything to do with it." So does this mean you condone whatever your friend is doing? Does that not make you just as much of a culprit as they are? I mean, let's look at the HUGE picture here. Outside the box. And I admit, I have scenarios to give but I fear that probably would make a couple of people feel some kind of way if ever they were to read my blog. As hard as this is going to be, I'm going to try and keep this at a general standpoint. I freestyle write. There is no rough draft or do-over, what is posted is straight from the dome.

Say for instance (here we go) my friend and I are chilling at the house and chit chatting and having ourselves a nice big ol' glass of wine. Well in the midst of our tickle to death meeting, we are multi-tasking answering phone calls and text messages. At some point, someone has sent out an invite to someone else (doesn't really matter who and no this is not a real situation). No one in this group session is single (except the guest), so regardless of who the invitee came to see, everybody is cheating. And I will explain, in my opinion, why this is true even if you (the bystander) aren't fucking the guest or the guest friend. OK:  If it just so happens that you or your friend is questioned about what went on that night, what are you going to say?  If you are covering for the cheater, then you are just as much of a cheater as the person who is cheating. Moving pass this, maybe something doesn't add up or some other issues come about leading back to this particular event that night which makes everything and everyone in and around this story look suspicious. Then what? Would you point your finger at the culprit or do you clearly state, "I don't know what you are talking about, I have nothing to do with that." Ugghh... cheater!! Which makes you apart of the pack.

Next thing, let's say for instance that you have a friend in a rather unusual business.  Maybe they are a drug dealer (which we all know is illegal), maybe they are a stripper (who are usually stereotyped as hoes), maybe they are in the porn business, or maybe they just do something rather unusal that you DO NOT disapprove of but you don't have the balls to do it or it just doesn't float your boat. Then who the fuck are you?!! When you are trying to cover your friends ass because you decided to tag-along to the jobsite since you had nothing else better to do, then what is your alibi when your mom asks you where the 2 of you have been? Not saying that you should snitch but doesn't that make you just as much of a damn dope dealer as your friend. Oh oh, my bad, I forgot... you don't have anything to do with that. smh Normally when rumors spill and spread, it always begin with one person. The 1 and only person that may be dealing, dancing or what have you. But... because your friends may be with you at the time that you are doing whatever... they absolutly have to be doing it too (so the gossipers say) BUT let's take the stripper for instance. Friends are kept around for a reason!! True indeed. You have a stripper friend, you would like for them to teach you some moves to show your man in the bedroom.... does that not make you a stripper either way. You are willing to create the illusion for your partner in the bedroom whether or not you are on a stage. Stripper is a stripper even if you have no rhythm but you know a little bit of how to make your pussy pop. Even if you hold a bag for your boy, you are a suspect too. As a matter of fact, if you get caught by the police, what does that make you? Fuck it... no matter what, somehow, some way, you are apart of the pack.

Gay/Lesbian relationships. ooooooo.... touchy subject. First let me say, I am Pro-choice, love the rainbows, love the gay men.... I wish I had one that would dress me up and play in my hair and put make up on me like a babydoll. I'm not a homophobe... and yes I do expect your accusations after this. And I will say now that you are probably right.  You're straight.. BUT... all of your besties/click are either gay or bi. What does that make you? LMAO!!! Hold up before you get angry. My opinion... and I repeat.. this is only my opinion... I think we keep these friends in our corner for a reason. Your bestie is not just some random person off the street. You're sharing your stories of wild nights with them while they are sharing theirs with you. The only difference is, their partner looks like them in the physical aspect. If you can sit back and listen to a story of some good, wild sexy friction between 2 women or 2 men, somewhere lingering in the back of your subconcious somewhere, trust me... you really wish that you were there. LOL!! The only reason you havn't been there is because of what it will do for your reputation, you're too scared to try new things, it could be anything. But one things for certain.... yo ass is gay, ok maybe semi. Take pride in your sexuality! You are part of the pack. I don't care how much you rant and rave about how many and how much sex you get on a regular basis. Really, that's just more of a cover up of the obvious because it's already a known factor that your best friend is just as sweet or dudelike as he/she can be. And even though you portray the image to be pimp-master of the year, your ass still wouldn't mind trying it at least once if you haven't already. But whatever, who cares because you still promote same sex relationships which makes you apart of the pack.

Accept the fact that the individuality you claim had to have derived from someone else. You may have pinched a little from here or there but that kind of makes you blend in just a little with the next person. You became friends with the people you are friends with because apparently you share a whole lot in common. You people become a pack. Your click is tight and there is no breaking that bond. You can say what you will but even if you disapprove of something that your besties are doing, you're not going to do anything to rat them out. You all will flock together just like the fucking geese that you are. Even if at that very moment, you are not doing the things that they are doing, whose to say that you won't ever do it? It may take you a little longer to grow the balls to get to the point that they are but it eventually gets done. Another experience for you and another wolf ordained into the damn pack. Ya'll asses are running wild now!! I know that their could possibly be an exception for a few and I find that it will be very rare to find. Very very rare. I strongly believe that you won't find too many straight guys that will continue to be best friends with their childhood friend who grew up and came out of the closet. I also believe that you won't find any women that totally disapprove of exposing the flesh for money, to befriend a stripper. I just don't see it happening. I just don't see a sober person hanging out with a crackhead everyday, kickin it and shit. These are the reasons why that "Old Lady" said, "never say what you won't do." Because you're going to do it. Not that you weren't officially apart of the pack anyways due to other reasons that may not have been mentioned here. LOL! There's no working your way around it.

I think that's enough for now... until next time Blog Clan... us bloggers have to stick together

Ego: A Man's Best Friend

Ladies.. I come to you today with something I know we can ALL relate with even if you can't relate to anything else I have written about since July. We all can relate to the fact that men are everywhere. At some point, we've all seen one, met one, fucked one, sucked one, loved one, hated one... oh dear... you get my drift. We've also realized that there really isn't much of a difference between them besides shape, color, and sizes, generally speaking. So, I guess you can put your shape, color and/or size wherever you see fit. But what they do share in common, I have found, (in all of my years) are men have the biggest ego's I have ever seen. They are like monsters and they love to be fed, and I don't mean pussy either.

Over this time period in the history and the making of my life, I've ran into men that continuously have the urge to better themselves than the last man that you were with. It's always a competition: who has the bigger tv, the bigger wallet, the best sex, whose better looking, the better swag, the best taste in apparrel. They love to receive that feedback. I admit, girls... we do help out in a lot of ways with the uplifting of our "master's" self esteems. As a matter of fact, between the mothers (which lead to the momma's boys) and the girlfriends or friends who are girls (which lead to total assholes) we play a very high position in coaching. We put their asses right where they would like to be, not necessarily where they need to be. Then we step back and have a looksy at our finished product and realized we are the ones that created this damn monster.

First case scenario: I've never been the type to talk about my past relationships with the present persuee. I feel there is no need. Apparently I left him for a reason and I am with you for a totally different reason which apparently I wasn't receiving from this person (not necessarily the last man) so I sought out and found whatever it is that I am looking for in whoever. Whatever! It doesn't make a difference. I have also witnessed the forever-fuck-up of telling someone of my past to only have it thrown back in my face. You know.... those serious fights when yelling from wall to wall and then.... BAM!!!  Him:  "Oh Oh, it's like that?! Well why don't you go back to that n*ga that was whooping your ass, see how well he treat you!!" *EEeeekkkk* I could just scream! And see this is where I would probably pick up something and throw it. And technically, since I just knocked you upside the head with a pack of chicken, now you know who was really getting their ass whooped.

Then we come to the next killer which would be this most recent scenario: Female friends and Facebook, although I'm not on Facebook any more. Females are grimey creatures. Of course, I would know this because I am one (female, that is. Not grimey) Anywho, if you care about me, how can you allow these "females" (I'll be nice) to just expose themselves like they do (ie. FB commentation, wall post, what have you) Not that I have a problem with friends of the opposite sex, but there comes a line to be drawn. His reply, "I can't help these females like what they see." LMAO!!! Oh really! OK! Where did all this macho-macho come from?! Now let me give you a piece of my ego. Honestly, them bitches (oh yeah, now I'm mad) wouldn't want you if they hadn't of seen you with me. On top of the fact that I'm not flashy, I don't wear heels to the grocery store, I don't rock the fake lashes and I rock the natural look. I have some pretty ass babies, nice home, no drama and I have a nice looking man (I admit) whom I like to decorate from time to time and take care of. Oh yea, and don't forget, I'm still pretty as hell: slim, trim and fit and I don't even work out. Yes, actually the bitches wish they could be ME.

SO.. the list goes on.... I sit back and I listen to them boast and rave about themselves after sex (to me). "Yea baby! I tore that pussy up! Did I tear it up bae?! Didn't I?!" uugghh. I never give a response. Always a straight face or maybe I just might laugh it off as I get up to go to the bathroom or roll over to light my black. smh. I can't even talk about how I felt at whatever moment you did something totally amazing because it's only going to make your ego hungrier for more. Hungry for my feedback, not for round 2. I mean really fellas.. it kind of downs the mood. Be egotistical about your performance (not the bang-bang, see how loud you can make the bed squeek) and if you are doing anything right, make sure that it's the type of performance she likes, to begin with. It's ok for the pornstar mode from time to time but we like it slow and intimate too. Most women settle for whatever in the bedroom (from their official boo) as long as the size isn't ridiculously puney and they are not doing any out-of-the-ordinary bullshit (ie. R. Kelly's definition of making it rain). BUT.. let's pump our breaks! It's not just about the kinks. Those egos blow up to be so big, we can actually create a full days worth of man-on-man thrashing.

There are different qualities at different levels in different people. Everyone has their preference of what is held accountable, at most, as opposed to the other qualities that we could possibly get by without. One things for certain, you can't shake that ego. A man likes to feel.... hmmm.... macho. They like to feel that they are the one. Who doesn't like to be made to feel like they, in fact, are the King/Queen of the throne?! But because I tend to fall into the old-fashioned category from time to time and cater to my man because I love the way that he treats me, does not mean that you are the best-est thing to ever happen to me. Just because you can make me scream and moan and talk shit in the heat of the moment does not mean you are the best love-maker I have ever had. Shit! who knows.. I might just be faking in which we women do rather well. Half the time, I'm not even paying attention to the way you dress unless their is a dress code and if your car can get me from Point A to Point B, I don't think that the size of the rims or even the paint job would have anything to do with the trip to and fro. I can see a 32 inch flat screen just fine and HD, 3D and all that TV talk is like another language. As a matter of fact, I don't even watch TV that much. I have my own money, so yours doesn't make too much of a difference OUT of my pocket because it's not IN my pocket. When did being a show-off become such a sport? Either you are trying to make an impression on me or you are trying to impress all of the past men I have been with. And to not try to stomp on anyone's self-esteem, but it would take ALL of my past men put together to equal up to ONE great man. Trust me honeys... this is virtually impossible because nobody is perfect.

I love confidence in a person. But I also love humbleness and a show of confidence in discretion. I have other ways to make you feel or even know that you are good to me. And my show of affection doesn't need the extra boost of me having to actually tell you that you are the shit. Group therapy session: let's all join hands now ad work on our self-esteems. LOL! If you know and feel that you are the shit, I don't think it needs to be announced to the whole world and you definitely would not need confirmation for any of it. People go out of their way for the material, for the outside appearances but the insides need a hell of a lot of work. Just put up a sign that says "Under Construction". I would totally understand.

Ending things on a good note... you are beautiful and I love you just the way you are. Until next time bloggers, it's what's on the inside that counts (and sometimes the size) LOL! *kisses*

We love you.. Baarrrnnneyyy!!

I know there are quite a few members out there that remembers the big purple dinosaur from back in the day that would tell us that we all should use our imaginations and everyone talked so slow as to be talking to someone who couldn't understand the english lingo as is. The kids on the show were abnormally well-mannered and the songs were so cheesy but one thing we won't forget is it goes a little something like this:

"I love you..
You love me...
We're a happy fa-mi-ly..
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you...
Want you say you love me too."

Uuuuugghhhh.... If only I could shoot that dinosaur in that big purple ass of his. I tell you!! I don't know if it's like a major life set-up on purpose or if some people just really make mistakes and take the wrong paths. I believe I'm moreso disappointed in the fact that I was using my imagination but my imagination didn't take me to the places that I was imagining. Barney's fat ass told me I could be anything that I wanted to be. He also told me I could go anywhere I wanted to go. Well damn you Barney! Because you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about!!  His ass didn't tell me that it would cost money, it would be hardwork and you will meet alot of other assholes (besides him) along the way. Where are the learning tv channels for the teenage years or the adult years when you realize that Big Bird and Elmo's asses are some fuckin retards and Oscar the Grouch was really mad for a damn reason: "ahh-hah, now we all understand why." It was all a set-up.

My son is going down his childhood career paths as we speak. I must say, so far, he has a rather interesting and amazing resume. The most normal of them all is he wants to be a police officer along with asking me how can he get into the tv. LOL!! His words, "when I grow up, my name gonna be Lebron James", in other words, he wants to be a basketball player, along with his passion and love for anything with wheels which could take him a plenty of places. The only thing holding him back from this is the fact he can't put a name to any of car-maker people, BUT, you know what... it doesn't even matter, I will support. LOL!!

I like the kid's shows now. They actually teach you how to function in society, the real world: use your magic words, "thank you", "excuse me", and so on, eat your vegetables, how to control your anger. If it wasn't for my daughter's addiction to Nick, Jr., of course I would know nothing about these little fruit-fruit cartoons. One thing about these particular shows, they don't send our children on a wild goose chase behind far fetched imaginative dreams. No one stopped to think about how effective these little characters were and how effective they are now. I do miss "Reading Rainbow", though. It really kicked up the kid's noggins in gear to actually read a book. Well it did for me anyway but I know that would be impossible now. So we'll just stick to Yo Gabba Gabba, Ni-Hao Kai Lin (<---did I spell that right?), Dora and Olivia. Max and Ruby really jerks my nerves because no one in this world has that much damn patience. I would have kicked Max's ass in the first episode. And where the hell is the damn momma?!! But anywho, that's all besides the point.

Now let's take a trip down Reality Ln., Hell's hwy, and sharp turns around WTF Ave. Being a mother, let's try to use uplifting and insightful words when explaining to our kids that the dreams they have are realistic but not really. Any suggestions? Let's tell our babies that "Illuminati is taking over sweetie and I don't think God would appreciate you selling your soul to the devil for money." LMAO!! No really. How do we tell them, "Stink (if you don't know by now, this is what I call my son) I'm not sure that I will have the money to send you to UTI Auto Technical School. Stink, I'm not even sure I will be able to afford you a car because this piss poor job I have actually have more than enough funds to give me a raise but they need the extra money more than I do so that they can go ahead and pay off their kids college tuition and buy them Mercedes Beinz and shit." BUT... of course there is a BUT... "Stink, you better get them damn grades up so that you can play basketball and not get kicked off the team." (realistically thinking) Free training and nothing extra I have to pay for. The scouts come to him and all he has to do is show love and passion for something he actually really likes... oh yeah, and be good at it. But! come on mothers... let's not knock the dreams all together. I came up with a plan. A plan that might actually subside the urgency for these dreams to come true. I'll record a video of my baby and post that shit on YouTube! Who the hell are we kidding, lmao!! There you go... you on tv now. How about, I'll send him to the high school with an auto program (and yes my little town has one) and get him kicked "into high gear" (get it?.. lol) with that. How about those alternatives. Believe me, I've came up with a shit load of other broke-mommy blues and how NOT to kill the child's dreams all at once. Hey, who knows, we just might make some progress out of this and really get somewhere. All they really need is a foot in the door.

At the end of the day, it's really our jobs to proceed with the upbringing of our kids. It's not Barney's bitch ass or DJ Lance Rock or Blue's Clues.. it's ours. Would be nice if the TV could really raise your child LOL!! Give us mommies a break every now and again. Tv and music has a hell of a lot of influence on how the youth today is living their life or how they would like to live their life which is really unaffordable and not realistic what so ever. And it has been since everyone was able to see that the grass could possibly be greener on the other side. Some found out out that once you got up close on it, it became sage or maybe minty green or even turquoise, but it damn sure wasn't green. I love my life! Don't get me wrong. I love every struggle I've made it through, every dumb ass I have had the pleasure of encountering, every inconsiderate bastard that has broken my heart, I've learned to recognize my blessings and I am a strong woman mentally, emotionally and physically because of these 28 years. But, I really did have my mind sot on that pretty picture that was painted by Bob Ross. Everyone knows Bob, he was the white man with the afro LOL!! Any child could put their minds to unimaginable alptitudes, but I don't want to give off the sense that this shit is easy or you could just buy you  a plane ticket to California and you'll be famous within a week.

My son is all over the place!! with much and many talents, I might add. What's a mother to do? I take the initiative to make him understand that nothing is given to you and everything takes hard work and effort and needless to say, a damn job. He understands but he doesn't because he has an asshole in the midst that teaches him otherwise. I'm a give-it-to-you-straight kinda person. That includes strangers, family, friends, and why should I leave out my kids? They are people too. I don't set my babies up for disappointments and I don't paint pretty visions of what it SHOULD be like, because it's not like that. Then, 9 times out of 10, they will cop an attitude because it's not what they wanted or expected or throw a temper tantrum and then I have to whoops some kids asses because of a lie I shot to them trying to make it easier on me. It's my fault if I don't just give it to them straight. Don't expect any surprises from me. Giving them what they want in "imagination" and not reality, they later on (in life) find out that Barney is a fucking liar after all (or me)... the same way I did.

If I knew the ropes to get my baby where he wants to be (in the TV) then I sure as hell would. Lord knows it's a lot of lacking talent that floats across the tube nowadays. But for some reason, here in this day and age, unless you know somebody that knows somebody or you've joined the cult of the Illuminati clan, you are pretty much put in your place. Hopefully, one day, I can be the mother of the son that's getting compared to Lebron James. And I'm just dying to see what my daughters childhood resume is going to start out like. But in the meantime, keep dreaming the dream and send Barney's ass straight to hell.

Blog on Bloggers....

Superior Blessings: Trials of a Mother

My days of childhood never consisted of me saying, "I wanna have a whole bunch of babies when I grow up." Hell, if I recollect well enough, it never consisted of me talking about marriage, kids or any of that princess-blah-blah stuff. I was going to grow up to be a career woman. At first, I wanted to be just like my mother. I was going to move to a far away city and work in an office and dress really pretty. Then I thought that I had a true love for animals, but being a veterinarian, I found you couldn't pick and choose which animals you wanted to work with, lol. Silly me! Even in the midst of all these jobs I have continuously changed, which starts my resume off on the wrong foot to begin with; I wanted to be a cartoonist,  a singer like Diana Ross (couldn't hit a note worth a damn), a Scientist, and Astrologist... omg! the list goes on. When it finally came down to the get down, I wanted to be an Ob/Gyn. I was fascinated with the reproductive organs on male and female. I thought it was amazing how children were created and such BUT it still wasn't apart of the plan for me to try to even achieve this obstacle course.

Finish school, goes to college and that plan failed. Few years pass, move back home and BAM! it happens. I'm pregnant! Shocked? no... surprisingly. My first pregnancy ever. I was 20 years old. I thought this was the most beautiful thing ever, which it is. Shit I thought I was the most beautiful thing ever at damn near 200 lbs. Even though I couldn't stand the person that was responsible for my "surprise", I was elated with happiness that I could actually be apart of something so spectacular. I had a plan so far mapped out for my little bundle of joy and I that nothing could get in my way. It was going to be he and I and we were going to be unstoppable. Grind mode set in and even though I had quite a few friends that had babies in high school, it was never something we gossiped about in our regular conversations. No one talked about the nights, the mornings, the money, baby daddies... I knew nothing of this world. I was actually in the dark about everything. But one things for sure, I wanted a little boy and I got him.

My pregnancy went by pretty smooth, or so I thought. I went out and bought the maternity outfits and the jumper and all that cutsie stuff. You couldn't tell me shit! I was preggo, I had a glow, and I was gorgeous! My breast were the size of watermelons and being that my latest career change had everything to do with modeling, I never once flinched at the thought of the weight or even stretch marks. At 6 months, I came up with the most unique name that I put so much thought and time into because I decided to sit and read the dictionary one day at work (intentionally on a baby name search). He couldn't be like no other and he was definitely going to stand out. I stumbled across the word "superior". I read the definition and it was everything that I already knew that my son would be. "situated higher up: of higher rank, quality or importance: excellent of its kind: more comprehensive: affecting or assuming an air of superiority." Ha ha!! My son was the shit! Already!! 7 months hit and I have blood pressure issues, edema setting in, preeclampsia diagnosis, organs shutting down... but I was still gorgeous LMAO!! I felt fine. But I was rushed in to be induced at 36 weeks on the morning of March 11th, 8 hrs of labor and he was here!! Superior plus a whole line of middle names consisting of history and meaning. Jay's son (Jay'Son) which is explanatory for itself, Jay being the person that makes me wanna puke. And Lee, a long generation starting as far back (that I know of) with my Great Grand-father, Arthur Lee, his son Arthur Lee, and my 1st cousin Jared Lee, then I had Jay'Son Lee. Pretty cool, huh?

Through my days with my "Stink", I thought to myself that I wouldn't mind having all that I was going to have right then and there, back to back. I only wanted 2 more, but the next go round, I would definitely make sure that the co-creator would be someone that I really liked, for real. Maybe even love. It did but it didn't turn out that way. I found someone who I loved and found that planning for a planned pregnancy wasn't as easy as it was for my surprised pregnancy LOL! In the time period of those 5 years, I found out that I had endometriosis which basically meant that I wasn't suppose to have children anyway. My Gyn threw everything at me with threats of hysterectomy, you better get it while the getting is good, you don't have much longer to procreate and on top of the fact that I couldn't take anything consisting of hormonal release (ie. birth control) it still took me (or us, rather) 2 years to get pregnant. Oh my!! what a difference. I thought I would be beautiful all over again with the sexy glow and my enormous boobs and whatnot. Nope! I was fat, huge and only cute some of the time. I didn't like showing my stomach to my partner whereas with Superior,  I would damn near throw the thing at you if you wanted to cop a feel or sneak a peek. Planning for a boy, this pregnancy in no shape, form or fashion turned out to be anything that I wanted it to be. I was depressed, sick, tired, emotional, and this little stubborn knot only wanted to lay sideways which meant that I spent my months with feet in my side. It's a girl!! which explains the stubbornness and now it's time to rethink these names.

I never figured I would be having a girl, so my naming skills for this sex was horrible. I had to take myself through a whole new thinking process and come up with something that would sit just as high up there with Superior. Don't forget now... my kids are the shit! LOL!! I came up with

Empress, Celeste, Gabrielle (which was actually a male angel) everything that I could get from a Biblical standpoint, but it didn't have that ring to it. I did the dictionary thing again and no luck with this one. Finally, I set back and thought about a name I had came up with years and years ago, back when I was preggo with Superior (my just in case it was a girl). "Blessing", another word I had looked up in the dictionary that I felt would be suitable for a first child, if it was a girl. "A thing conducive to happiness or welfare".. perfect! This is my 1st girl and after the sequence of the delivering process, she really lived up to being just that because here we go again with the preeclampsia! Talk about a sneak up. One day I'm going in for something I thought was minor (legs having a tingling sensation) and then the next thing I know, they are calling me back to the hospital with my transportaion ready for take off to a bigger hospital. Who knew?! I could have died on the table, stroked... my blood pressure was out of control. C-section this time and 3 weeks earlier than Superior. December 30th, and we spent our New Year's in the hospital which was actually the first time that I had set eyes on her. 15 minutes before the New Year set in. I made it, she made it at a whopping 3 lbs 4 oz. She spent about 2 weeks in the hospital with them expecting her to be in there until my actual due date, which would have been beginning of February. She came home on the same day that my partner and I had met, January 19th.. the day that she hit her marker for 4 lbs. LOL!! Blessing, Tone' deriving from her father's name Tony and Geneva after my grandmother and my Great grandmother (both), another history in the making.

No lifestyles of the rich and famous here. No reality shows of Will and Jada, which I'm sure everybody would love. No "Cribs" or "Pimp my Ride"..fancy fruit-fruit wedding cakes, Sweet 16's or any of that. I couldn't even begin to front about how overwhelming life can be with the different courses we are given. One things about it, I wouldn't trade it for the world. These people have really made me the person that I am today. Your whole persona changes, your whole outlook on life, you get the good with the bad and in the end, you win big. I have my days when these kids are bad as hell!!! O M G!! But what mother doesn't? I also have plenty of days when I couldn't imagine going without kissing their faces and squeezing them, hearing them say "I love you Candi" (yes, they call me Candi.. smh, all my mother's fault) waking up to little hands, long legs, sippy cups and cereal in the bed. This was only the beginning. Next run will be how we got from the start of the race to maybe the halfway point which we are nowhere near. Whoa is me! LOL!! I struggle to get my life in order for them and I have to work 3 times harder because it's not just me anymore, it's me and 2 other people. I take pride in my hurdles that I have jumped because without them, I couldn't bore you with how the life of an average woman takes place. I can only amuse myself with the new found hobby of blogging and give you what I consider to be my Superior Blessings.



Have a good one bloggers...

This Old Lady

Everyday, we as young people, walk through the aisles of grocery stores, pass by people on the street, in cars or maybe even walking... and never stop to think... I wonder what type of life did this old lady live? In this day and age, things tend to change overnight, it seems like. And to imagine ourselves at the age that they are and what they have achieved or even just seen, I feel is amazing!

I knew an old lady once. I knew her rather well. She never complained and she never boasted about her past. A very mysterious lady, however when you asked her a question about anything that had happened in her life, she didn't hesitate to tell you. And be assured, the details you would receive. But the catch was not knowing anything about this lady to begin with and her being just another lady on the street or even an old lady that happens to be apart of your family, you never knew what to ask about. This old lady was my grandmother, a woman that I loved dearly for the mere fact she raised me, I loved for no reason at all, just for knowing the things that she knew (which was EVERYTHING). I stand proud and tall to say that their is no raising like that of an elderly with the old fashioned rules, even though we never seemed to follow through with them through our youth with our hardheaded asses. LOL!

I wish that I knew how to instill the things in my kids the way that she instilled into my sister and I. I wish that I had the patience that she did to actually sit down and deal with the stuttering and stumbling over words when trying to teach my son how to read. I wish that I could not lose my cool in the grocery store when my kids would run off and play hide and seek in the midst of the aisles the same way that me and my little sister use to. I wish I had the strength to make it seem like there is not a problem in the world. I wish that my eye's could change colors with my moods, the way hers did. I wish that my hair was long, black and straight like hers. I wish that my finger nails were as long as hers. I wish I had the literature to light into somebody when they need to realize that they done messed with the wrong one. It's something about those wrinkles and seeing the worriation permanently imprinted in her forehead from the past trials that she has been through. Surprisingly, these wrinkles didn't come from the bad ass kids that she had the pleasure of raising. Surprisingly these are the gifts that, apparently we all get as we grow old with time. Wow! was she an awesome creature from her hair, to her eyes, her lips, her moles, even the little flab under her arms: she was beautiful!!! Indeed I loved her and as I write this the very day before her birthday, I continue to praise myself for being apart of her but I feel I have failed so short of her reverence. One thing I do know is that I could never be her or even pretend to be, but I would like to think that I could possibly hold even an ounce of strength that she did. She was a strong woman, another "this old lady", she was my grandmother, she was my mother.

As we get deeper into my blog, this personal, live diary of my life... OF course we may find ourselves stumbling into the most personal and deep portions that lie within my subconscious. Things I choose not to talk about on a day to day basis. So in an itty bitty small amount of ways, you might could see that mysterious side of me because the things that aren't said in my average conversation, will probably be said here. This old lady past away in October of 2000. I will never forget my mother telling me that she was gone in the middle of the night. Like waking up from one of the most horrible nightmares ever and your body is paralyzed with the fear... I couldn't move and my body hurt. My eyes opened and all I gazed and focused on was the new bright moon that shined outside of my window that night which is a constant reminder of her. It's my signature for her. Steady dosing off and waking up from different scenarios and endings of the same dream.. that night was the most horrible night of my life.  This particular night was the night when I knew that life would never be the same. Of all the funerals I have been to, the way I handled hers was the strangest. There was no breakdown, no crying but only a few tears to be shed. I had absolutely nothing in me. I was numb. I was here but I wasn't. I didn't believe she was gone. I was in a state of shock and did not know it. I missed a whole week of school returning on a Friday. I remember the looks I received from everyone as I walked through the doors. They knew this wasn't taken lightly. It's really hard to explain how I didn't want to move on with my life while at the same time I was still in motion and living. Quicker than I had expected, I regained consciousness. My mother told me I should wait to go to college. But not listening and looking at the bigger picture, I wanted to be hardheaded and sure enough, this is where I realized that my grandmother was really gone. And oh boy did it get ugly!!! I became suicidal and fell deep into a state of depression. If I recall, I don't think anyone knew about this. Not even my friends in college. Resorts to smoking weed and drinking would numb the pain. Thoughts of the most peaceful death that I could place upon myself floated constantly through my mind... pills?, find a gun?, jump?, slit my wrist?... but please believe that this would have to be well thought out because I would have to make it an easy clean up for my parents. (Remember we are talking about the over-thinker here) Well as you can see... it never happened.

Even though, this seems to be random writing, to me, and random thoughts... I think my moral of this story is we should stop and look at these little old ladies and try to predict what the wrinkles (which are actually gold medals) actually stand for. Please believe that it is actually something honorary, Nobel peace prizes, the who's who, academic scholars of Harvard University. The elderly to come in this new age, will never amount to the ones that traveled from the segregated days, to the switching over of new age technologies and still being able to adjust to the changes. The wisdom this old lady or even the next little old lady could never be surpassed by any academic scholar. My old lady was it!! She was the Kilimanjaro Mountains, she was the Pyramids in Egypt, Hidden Cities, the rain forest in Brazil, the Grand Canyon, the forbidden seas, even the Seven Wonders of the World.. she is and was everything that I couldn't see but was still imaginable and even possible. This was my love. This was everything in me that I never knew I had or could project on another being. After all was said and done, I became an introvert and never understood why. I was tucked so deep under her wing that my flight would never leave land as it should have. And on that note, here is where I realized that my everything was lost.

Before we come to the conclusions and the "The Ends" and the "Happily Ever Afters" or even the horrible endings... everyone should take the time to stop and think outside the box a little in every situation but in some others, the most. We take for granted the most gifted bits and pieces of our life that amount to huge and fulfilling blessings... and then later on down the road we think back to what meant the most, after it's gone. I will never forget her telling me, "cuteness will kill you", "never judge anyone for what they do", "you have a lot more to work on before fixing your hair in the mirror","hard head make a soft ass", "be quiet during thunderstorms, the Lord is doing his work"... oh my! The list goes on. Those quotes that she shot me with stick with me now. Remembering back to the talks we use to have and it seemed that she understood me as well as all her other grand kids to the tee, as if we were one or if she was already placed in our minds. Who knew that the most beautiful thing ever would only be guaranteed to me for 17 years of my life and I remain jealous of the ones who were able to know her longer than that measly 17. Another holiday gone to waste... September 10th, that would be 72 years in the making. I wish you were here to hit me with that hardcore straightness during these adult years. Set me on the straight away and make sure I'm on the right path or at least tell me what I should be doing. I'm lost without you. She was my GPS through life and the Harbor that shined my light at night is no longer lit. As you rest in peace Old Lady, I truly pray that you can hear me saying, after 11 years, it will never be and has never been the same without you. Having respect for your elders is preached for a reason. Trust that it's not because they are old or feeble or even out of their minds, slightly. The same people you respect with money, power and fame aren't nowhere near gaining the same respect as you should give to the little lady you are blowing at on the highway. Happy Birthday Grandma "Spook"!

Until next time bloggers...