Love

Let's talk about the difference in "loving someone" and being "in love with someone. So, in my opinion (and this is just MY opinion) theses phrases both can go into so much depth with meaning and emotion. It could be possible for it to even be unexplainable but I want to give this a whirl.

Now it's easy to love anyone. And we are talking about "just love" or loving someone. You could love everyone. Of course we love our friends, our families, maybe our co-workers, the guy at the grocery store that always has your meat ready for you on your shopping day... everybody!! Love can go a long ways. And of course there are different kinds of love or different ways of loving someone for whatever reason you love them. This comes natural. Everyone that is apart of your life serves some type of purpose and that's why everyone has a name for everything. You have your mother, your sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, aunts, cousins, uncles, friends, besties... so on and so on. And whatever purpose these people serve other than the name that they were given to identify who they are towards you, this is the reason that its natural instinct to  love them. I don't want to categorize family with just the term of loving someone because we all know that everyone is not born into a great family and it's easy to love from a distance than it is to show love everyday. You can categorize or not, who should or shouldn't fall into this category but I don't think you can place any one person in it unless they are just random people who you happen to know or in other words "care for". In the dictionary, the definition of love states that it is "an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment". So at some point in our lives, everyone who has crossed our path at some point, I'm sure are loved for the footstep that they left behind. Be it good or bad.

Now let's get to the "in love" situation. And we are keeping this at a generalized stand point. I am not going to keep this phrase limited to, I guess who or what type of relationships we think should only consist of being "in love". So the definition of being "in love" came in plenty such as: 1. a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. 2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. 3. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. 4. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. Is it safe to say that this feeling is soo intense and inexplicable, that they have to come up with 4 different definitions written out in a variety of ways that all pretty much say the same thing and of course, mean the same thing? Wow!! amazing shit, huh? And I do believe that this phrase can play a role with many different characters just as I stated before about the phrase, "I love you".

You are "in love" with a person or people for different reasons and your being "in love" can be showed differently among whomever.  Example: I love my babies! I am in love with my babies. There is nothing in this world that I would not do for them if I am able to do it. #4.. "a person who is the object of intense affection or attraction; beloved." Sure enough, now that they are here, my world would be over without them. My purpose here on Earth would come to an end and sure enough I would shrivel up and die. These are real people and real lives that I have created. I am God and this is my Adam and Eve. This is how my world began. And let there be light! This is MY love for them. They complete me. My circle of 3. My being "in love" with them. *shrugs shoulders* See?! Ok now next case, let's use my being "in love" with my ex for example: I loved him! I was "in love" with him. This was my life, he was my life. There was nothing that he would ask of me that I wouldn't do if I knew that I was able to do it. I gave myself to him, created life with him (on purpose) because I felt that with or without a ring, we were going to be united somehow. Became submissive, weak to his touch, still getting butterflies after so many years.. you would think that it gets old at some point. Any who, 2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. Indeed we are out on a limb here just for this feeling of highness. Mother's grasp so tightly to their children because it's her fix. Lovers hold so tightly to their partners/spouse because this is their fix. This shit should be illegal!! in certain cases. LOL!

I guess we have to know which is which. If you need confirmation, or you have to ask what is it suppose to feel like, then sure enough, you definitely have not gotten there. Yes! I love you! but I'm not in love with you! Aah-haah! I wonder who was the first person that said this bullshit out of their mouth, LOL! I mean, even though it makes a hell of a lot of sense.. who would have thunk to come up with the difference in the 2. Hell! in Spanish, Amore' is all the same, love, in love. They have 1 word! 1! But we are the ones that have to be all technical and shit. "Yes baby I am in love with you." Keyword: IN. And YES! you do have to here the word "in" smh. You would think that love is love is love is love. It is but that's only in the sense that its the less severe case of an emotion. There are no extras, no sacrifices, no strings attached, no work... you just know it's there. Where as "in love", you putting your everything on the line. It's work, it drains you, it worries you, it can even make you sick (literally) and we like this shit? Excuse me... we LOVE this shit, IN love with it. This fix! This euphoric feeling, the high, cloud 9 sensation (wherever the hell that is) like you're floating on air, like a brain orgasm (no sex). And when it is time to quit, you actually need rehab for real because now you done went rabid, lost your mind, gone crazy, the very epitome of a crackhead and you didn't even realize that you were addicted. Damn! And if you have ever sobered up long enough to realize what a fool you were (and we are generalizing all "in love" relationships, no discrimination) whether in partner relationships or even for your kids, over the years, you tend to realize that it is so easy to relapse back. For instance, how long can a mother stay mad at her child. Regardless if you feel it's your obligation to take care of them just because you had them, your love for them or even your being "in love" with them will never allow you to turn your back on them. Sad to say, but mother's put kids up for adoption everyday; young and older, so you have a choice to feel obligated or not. But meanwhile, they grow older and we look back on the plenty of times we have went out to the school and cussed the teachers out knowing it was our babies who was acting a fool the whole time, we think back to what a fool we were for them... because it's your child. And with absolutly no shame in your game, you're in love! Blind sighted... you see no wrong in your little angels. Realistically, this shit makes you delusional. You see no wrong in nothing... this is good shit!!

So now that we have cleared this up, I would like to say that it is safe to say that no one should second guess themselves now because the answer is right here. And like I said before, if you have to second  guess yourself, then you are not at that point. The point of being "in love" that is. Simple as that. Can't just go throwing around a word that is priceless and could even possibly cause a life. Look at Romeo and Juliet. Think it's simple? Well, it's not! I think we might could even put this timeline in order. Starting at I care for you, I love you which means I care for you deeply/a lot, and I'm in love with you which is I'm far passed caring, lemme just handle the shit for you. However, I would like to express my gratitude to my readers. I really do LOVE you guys ;) Until next time, let's just keep your "sense so common".

Groupie Love

So I was originally born in Washington, D.C. and I was raised in this small town by the name of Wilson located in NC. Not really much going on here. It is on the rise with a lot of fast food resturaunts and a bunch of small retail stores. Population runs about 50,000 the last I heard and somebody is connected to somebody some kind of way. Of course this has nothing to do with groupies but it helps to get my point across. No one here is famous and normally when you think of groupies, you think of the rich and snooty with a bunch of half naked women tagging along not too far behind. Well, here it's so much different and sometimes it really has me wondering if you can actually have groupies because you express such a humble and free-spirited personality. Really?! Groupies because of your charming personality... omg.

So we all know what the groupie line up consists of: flirtiness, lesser amount of clothing, batting of the eyelashes, the best "come fuck me" lines that you could ever come up with, dishing out verbal comebacks that you would never allow your own mother to hear.  It is a well known factor that most people usually go after things that is a challenge to them and they know for fact it will never belong to them.  But to just cross that threshold, you or better yet, she feels that she has achieved the utmost achievement that a hoe could ever accomplish. The "hard to get" line up consists of the superstars, the married, the drug dealers, the golddiggers, so on and so on. But we also have to realize that it only makes them groupies if and only if they are kept at a distance. They chase, they stalk... lol, that's what they are there for. To amuse you and to see how many tricks they can pull out they sleeve. Is it safe to look upon these groupies and say that maybe they had a rough childhood? Maybe they are dieing for attention that they have never received or either they are so use to begging for attention, they seek out the ones who they know won't give them that attention back.  Tell me what happens when that woman has won?! She fought and fought to get her foot in the door, and now that it's in the door when all is said and done, what the hell is it that she gets out of this relationship if one is created at all? Because now, if you really look at it, the fun part is over, the chasing is over and you people actually know one another. EEEwwww, it could really be a disgusting thing. And now that you have got what you wanted or at least what you thought you wanted, where do you go from here? Then it takes you back to the saying that "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife" because I'm thinking what the hell was she doing before she found out who you (the "hard to get") were?

So back to this location, here in the little ol' town of Wilson where they are famous for small clicks being created. No!! Gangbangers do not exist here. LOL!!! But everyone with exceptions of an outside few, wants to stand for something positive, which is a good thing.  Everyone is somebody, wants to be somebody, will be somebody, or becoming somebody.  Absolutly nothing wrong with that.  Consistency in these clicks may be that they all are very faithful men, very devoted to their families, could all be married (you know it works like a domino effect) and when they are out and about, they love to have a great time which may look like they could possibly be single because they buying up the bar and posing in pictures like "Paid in Full". Or we could have the click over here that party, party, party and you could never pay them enough money, give up enough pussy or head to make these men sit down anywhere.  It's all about the limelight, they are the superstars in this town and they have the flash to prove it. They have way too much going on to be settling down with any woman and why would they want o anyway when they are free to do whatever and fuck whoever at any given rate. We even have the women clicks who are so high fashioned, may not even be cute or all that shapely, however the men swarm like they have never seen anything like it. These are the ladies that keep up with the mojo, hair did, nails did, BeBe dresses, and Fredericks of Hollywood pumps. Their kids may be dressing in Wal-Mart brand but you best believe that Mommy is too cute. It can be a bit too much because either you are with a crowd, the "in" crowd or you stand alone... like me, lol.

This here is what these groupies are after?! Un-be-fucking-lievable!! This is it! LMAO!! The show! To know that you are somebody's trophy and honestly, it still isn't in the cards that things will turn out that way.  I have had my share of the broke, poor and ugly. Believe me, I'll take a broke man over a rich one anyday.  One things about it, I know my needs will be met no matter what or how it has to be done. Also, in my endeavers, I have noticed that as soon as I get a hold of them, they end up with groupies as well. So maybe they weren't all that broke, poor or ugly. Of course, it is built into everyone to latch on to someone who has confidence in themselves. No insecurities and a mind dead set on knowing what it is that you are really capable of because you are you. These groupies can actually cut a real woman short of their own self esteem.  But lets think about this thing ladies, if you have to try that hard to make yourself be noticed... then honesty is you really ain't shit. One loses their dignity and pride when setting yourself up for such disasters that await to happen. They know absolutly nothing about this person other than what they see on the outside and that maybe, just maybe they may have a girlfriend or a wife or even a few baby mommas on the side which has absolutly nothing to do with her because it's all about what she has her mind set on gaining out of all of this. 

Could it be to make herself feel like she is the better woman? To know that she actually has the power over another human being that can draw into her whether it be for a night, a few days or a few months.  If that is possible, then I'm sorry fellas but you men are weak. Could it be that you are one of these men with all the flash and bling and lots of cashflow, trust me, you kicking out something for the pussy whether its a meal, a ride to the mall, or a pair of shoes (which we all know is bad luck because the old folk use to say they'll walk right out of your life), maybe even one of them Bebe dresses. Even down to the men that we all know have absolutly nothing going for themselves, other than the streets... what is it? the feeling that you want to be that "down ass bitch"? Come on groupies, get a life! LOL!!! Focus!! Everyone has their morally set stand points that they look to when dealing with these situations. But we all know that really the only purpose you serve is to be another prop. Yes it really is cute to have groupies, fans, whatever you want to call yourselves but it all gets old and so do you.

Closure

Someone told me "you need closure"
And I went... wtf I look like?!
I don't do exposure
And this?! This is the only way I'm suppose to get over?
I completely went sober
Fell back and lost all my composure

I don't want it!
I think it makes me weak
I would rather feel the wrath of being incomplete
Live my life even if I lost the title for defeat

"You owe it to yourself" .. FOR WHAT?!
I found my self help
Putting energy into writing is a good enough step

Closure?!
I did what I was suppose to
He was the one acting brand new

It was him! It was him!
It was all his fault!
And I need closure because technically, he never got caught?
I'm like the lil kid surrounded by the bullies that taunt
Standing in the middle of the cemetery where ghosts haunt
The sight of you would make me choke!
I just don't have it in me and I won't.

I'm choosing to carry this weight...
My heart is chained and tied, locked in a crate
I need closure on THAT door
Not the person who put end to our fate

I left a life of masochism
No integrity, no pride!
I got pushed down face first,
Not to mention the 2 that never leave my side

"That closure shall set you free"
Nope! Nope! it does absolutely nothing for me
Un-fulfill my circle
I think I can live without being complete

I think I would rather waddle in the bullshit confusions
Figuring out busted ass conclusions
Looking back on the contusions
I think I can live without this intrusion

My face wet with tears
My mind never clears
I don't need no damn closure!
What is left to hear?
This waaaay too much emphasis on whats already settled and drear
Adding more fuel to the fire?!
Fuck it! Just strip the gears!
I would rather not know why we didn't last just a few more years

Can't you tell
I'm not taking this lightly
Well over the edge and heavy meds nightly
Just a touch of psycho.. slightly
I thought I had my arms around "My God" so tightly!
And you want me to close the doors on the 1 lil sec that was soo unsightly?
That caved in MY whole world and the jury's still trying ME!!
Put in a state of helplessness, asking the Lord to guide me
So you think I need closure for this anger streak
Deadbolt the door to the history that tied me

Guess I'm a special case,
Cause without it, I still rest
No! My conscience is not clear but I still perform at my best.
Closure! What closure!?
My soul was closed out and denied from her quest
As if her self esteem hadn't already been laid to rest
And don't even worry about the years of invest
I performed surgery on myself and cracked open my chest

Throwing myself pity parties
Praying to hear the words "I'm sorry"
NOW this closure is looking a bit starry...

Galaxies, new universes, unicorns and rainbows
I can't set myself up for what these past 5 years posed
No one hears my words and no one knows...
You would think it'll be hella easy to let these doors close
Do you really think there is a better way this story could be told?

How inadequate I perceived to be
Or how the fire and sexy was gone in me
How I wasn't worth child #3
Or maybe how you don't want THIS particular family
And its other places you would rather be
Leave me wondering "what happened to me"
I don't want to face the reality
I don't want the closure
Just let it be...

Living the "Single Life"

Oh the perks of being free, free, free!! Not having to answer to anyone. Making your own agenda and being tied to none other than yourself, your pet, or the little munsters that stay in your shadow (your kids). Oh how we love being able to go in the kitchen and whip ourselves up a nice little fried bologna sandwich for dinner and just call it a night. We don't have to share our ice cream in bed, the remote, or the bathroom when you're in your early morning rush hour getting ready for work. The joys of being without questions. Free to walk in the nude amongst your own walls and dance to every commercial in the privacy of your own home. Not having to call and check in. Staying out as late as you like or maybe even staying out for the night. Wash your dishes when you feel like it and pick up your dirty undies off the floor.... whenever. Not having to plan dates and trips according to everyone's schedule, the back and forth of whose off and whose on. Being able to sleep in the middle of the bed and not having to share your favorite fluffy pillows or your covers.

This life can be full of satisfactories! We all know this. But what happens when you get bored? Your cat just doesn't do it for you anymore? Looking at your fish blow bubbles is no longer funny and you have bought batteries so much that it was time to invest in a battery recharge kit. Sure, relationships and all that bullshit about being in love remains so overrated.  But doesn't it feel so damn good?! I guess there comes a time when your little black book starts to get so worn out that you begin to lose pages on purpose. Those phone numbers are only there because each person has only one thing that they are good at. No one has the whole package and having to schedule your week according to the occupations they serve starts to really become boring.  It would be nice to see the same face for once... a guy who truly knows how to multi-task. (I.E. men and women) So we're going with Lisa to the movies on Mondays and its so relaxing because you just love the way she gives you those shoulder rubs when the movie starts to get good. Wednesday nights, we set aside the fancy-shmancy wine and dine sessions with John.  He likes the finer things, always has good conversation but something just doesn't do it for you. You guys are too much like buddies, no real chemistry is shared.  Every other Friday is your shopping day with Candi.  Oh my, she has style, so much swag and she doesn't mind throwing in quite a few gifts for you while she shop amongst herself and then off to the club you guys go dancing and laughing like no tomorrow. Your Saturday nights are reserved for the most awesome-est cloud 9 sex that could possibly be conjured up by a man as if he invented it himself. OOooh Sam!! Although it all sounds like fun, it gets old and boring and Hell!! it's just way too much planning.

At some point, you want just one favorite spot with one person that can fit every aspect that is contained within all these boy/girl-toys and hope the feeling is mutual and can possibly last forever.  The scheduling is such a headache and Lord only knows what you had to go through in order to just get these people on a steady path to adjust to your schedule. So maybe you like variety. But it could never be no more than what it is.  You have picked out every possible knick pik you could come up with that will not allow you to commit yourself. Lisa's nose is a little lope-sided. You think John could possibly be living double lives because he has never questioned why you guys only go out on Wednesdays, you've never been to his house, he never talks about himself or his life, you don't have to worry about random phone calls through the week and he's just too good to be true without the sex. Something is definitely up with this picture.  Candi has waaay too many "men-friends" anyway!!! And Sam is just Sam, not handy, not outgoing... just Sam, but it's still oh-so good. Oh boy!! What we go through to call ourselves living the "single life" and claiming to have so much fun. New hobbies being invented, extra time spent on cleaning the fridge (as if you didn't clean it last Monday) and endless DVR episodes for the nights when you just don't feel like being bothered with any of these useless failures. *sigh*... if only....

They say that "there is someone for everyone". Well I think, LOL, that God should have made it so that we can know who our someone is once we leave the womb.  Boy would life be soo much easier! Not having to go through the losers just to get to the real deal... perks of being "single" my ass. Yes! This may have been fun back in my college days but I guess you can call me old and tired. I don't think there is anything wrong with putting some kind of stability on even the minor things that we sometimes think doesn't matter. Who needs a man when I can fix my own damn car? LOL!! Oh the glories of putting up these big fronts for the public.  But we all know that our nights can get hella lonely and it seems like the time is standing still and we all know that as long as time is standing still, so are we and then you start feeling urges you never knew you had. This is the shit that doesn't stand still *hint, hint*. And the ladies are back recharging those damn batteries, while the men are putting in manual labor, sheesh! It has become such a regular part of life that no one is ashame to say that they have finally made it official with their "jack rabbit" or their "hand". LOL!!! As a matter of fact, it becomes a conversation piece of the do's and don'ts, the new and improved high quality porn movies, and the new line of sex toys that will be arriving in the Spring. How come no one can see anything wrong with this picture but me..... smh

Well... I guess we have to make the best out of what we are given. However, getting impatient and irritated with Lisa's dumb-ass snort when she laughs can possibly make you do something irrational such as try to portray an image with someone else when you know that your heart is not really there. Single people, getting back out there and actually setting your standards can be hard. I had to learn the hard way, that even when having random conversations, try your best to stay away from convos about sex. Once it starts, it never stops and it really becomes boring and tears away all the fun once that night/day gets here and then BOOM.... you're mad all over again and it's on to the next. I feel that if no one has nothing else to talk about other than that everytime the two of your talk, then it is apparent the you have absolutely nothing in common. For one, you would never find out if you did anyway because you too busy talking about how "yo shit" is "the shit". Even on random dating, we don't want too many in's and out's around our babies. I hope and pray that they never have to endure some of the heartache and pain that I have had in my life. BUT we all know that is impossible. It is really a lot of wackos out here and I definitely do not want them around my kids ;).

Whatever you decide to do, be safe and good at it. It's just as much hardwork in being single than it is in being in a relationship. It is also just as much fun in a relationship as it is being single. Guess it's all in who you end up with. Be good people... until the next time...

The Forgotten Occupation

Today is Mother's Day!! Nope, don't go checking your calendar because everyday is Mother's Day!!! This is our forgotten occupation. Ladies.. the pain and agony to go without our wine, not feeling like having sex (wasn't me), being lazy, getting fat, missing out on the fun, no babysitter, Dr's appt, recitals, games, programs, keeping up with the new fashions so on and so on. Women base their whole lives on these little people.  It's amazing how our lives are built around trying to make sure that someone else actually lives 20x's better than we do.  This is our charity, Ladies! If we could actually prove to the politicians that we should be getting a check cut for the stress and labor that we endure, then the world would be a totally different place. Like all other get rich quick schemes, of course, this would be one that would be the most taken advantage of.  It's easy to have a baby (believe it or not) but it's really hard being a mother.

These people start out so so small and it's so so cute to cuddle and hold them. However, going through life, it turns into a burden and we can't even enjoy the life that we was given to be here.  We pick the small things out and try to make it the biggest happening in the world. Superior is walking now!!! Blessing said her first word!!! And truly it is the best-est thing ever. However, there are more things that could be done.  This is the truth being told. Even if a woman souly based her life on being a stay at home mom, there are always things lingering in the back of her mind that she wish she could have done or wish that she could do now. Instead, we birth these little miracles and make sure that they achieve the goals that we never did; and on that note, this is where people turn motherhood, preganancy, and birth into the scum of the Earth because of what it henders. I call it, being selfish. The only benefits that come with this occupation is the memories that you have that you can, some day, share with your babies once they get older and have their own. Priceless moments that are like no other and has no point in sharing unless it's caught on video because nobody will ever understand the feeling you felt at the moment that it happened.

Now let's seperate the two... I'm talking to my single mothers right now!  We go unnoticed at all times. Working these minimum wage jobs that are nowhere near making ends meet but it has to be done because without 1 cent, you're useless completely. We have to always look at the brighter side of things and make sure the sun shine over the rain. It is always our duty to fulfill each and every need of our creation. He/she is your best friend. You are all you got. You could never deny them because this is what came from you. There is no feeling like actually tearing a piece of flesh from you, in reality, and it creates another being. The heartache of replacing, borrowing, or even begging could never overpower your pride because it is already instilled in you that it has to be done. No embarassments, no shame.. hands down, your babies come first and this is all that matters.  In the meantime, we create experiences, create real women, good lives, and super hero statuses. Who knew!? Excepting the fact that without educations, we have no choice but to live in the slum part of the neighborhood because thats all that assistance provides. People think that welfare is all peachy. But when there are mothers out there that actually want better for their babies, they are basically being put in their place or where society expects them to be. Excepting the fact that even with a little college and a hell of a lot of smarts, it still doesn't provide you with the house and the white picket fence.  And excepting the fact that even with all the money in the world, there is nothing like sharing the small moments and memories of this little miracle with the other person who co-signed for them.

To my housewives, stay at home moms... being married, still doesn't make you go unnoticed. Everyone has feelings and there are always things that should have, could have, or would have been done had whatever situation occurred or not occurred. No one has regrets when you have performed the greatest magic show that could possibly be performed. Whose to say that everything is perfect? You may be the working mom AND dad which usually means that once mom gets off, she has to go to her evening job. And I do mean ASAP! You may be the "not working" mom and the dad is the bread winner. Who cares? At the end of the day, your feet still hurt, your head hurt and you are overdue for a glass of wine, a good smoke (even if you don't) and some pampering. No one vacations in that cloud 9 reservation, and what seems to be prefect can become a puddle of shit regardless of how it looks. I am the one that needs the convincing... YOU tell me where Dad steps in and take over for a good week or 2, month or 2, even year or 2? You are still the one who is most hard at work. Plates made breakfast, lunch and dinner. Daily schedules and routines that never end. Books at bedtime that make your mouth dry from reading it over 5 times already, and a sex life that is like zombies (alive but dead).

No matter what the situation may be, our occupation goes unnoticed. I could go on and on about how men take us for granted day by day. In my case, the man that feels like he's the better fit parent and (technically) has done nothing but babysit. Hear him tell it, he's been there the whole entire time and has done this and that (bought clothes and signed him up for sports). LMAO!!! We are talking of a man that missed the first 3 years of his son's life, conjured up unfinished custody battles, fake calls to CPS, and drama, drama, and Oh Yea... more drama. Those lioness instincts began kicking in and you turn into a person that even you do not know. Real mothers and real women that put real time and real devotion into what belongs to them (without a doubt) should get paid their dues. Yes! this is volunteer work, however the extremes we go through for our little ones are like nothing anyone has ever seen. Complaints?! Hellz yea! This job is hard... as hell!!! Who doesn't have complaints about ANY job. Regrets?! Hell no!! Nothing in this world is perfect. And I definitely don't pretend that it is. My 2 creations aren't named "Superior" and "Blessing" for nothing. Indeed I truly believe that they are what I call them. This job consists of adding the additional clay to these molds as needed and in the end, you can only hope that it stayed on the pottery wheel instead of flopping over, to become something beautiful. ;)

Ladies we can't fault ourselves for anything that we don't consider to be perfect in our own eyes. Every job is done to the best of your abilites and to the best of your knowledge. Everyone makes mistakes along the way and that is only human. I feel that I have made quite a few myself. However we learn from them, get up and keep it moving. We are known for staying 2 steps ahead of the game and low and behold, if ever we were to lose sight of the path, it would take us for a hell of a spin. It takes some real stamina to stay in this game. This occupation will never be for the average woman. We are the Super Heroes! Although it's a known factor that this particular occupation goes unnoticed, is forgotten, underpaid, no benefits, no days off, no breaks, no vacations, you can't quit, can't be fired, lifetime position... it's one that can never be replaced by another. One thing will always remain true, there is nothing and nobody like your Momma.

Bitter

Don't be mad at the woman that's bitter

Be mad with the man who made her that way

Cause as sure as a bitch breeds litters

There's a stud nearby that's had his time to play

Rest assured, at some point life get's sweeter

And it wasn't cause you professed your vows in front of the preacher

However lurking my way down these rocky roads

This bag lady could never be weighed down by these loads

Through the tears

Submitting my soul

To fulfill

What looked to be real

Putting aside what use to be blatant fears

I'm yours! Baby, I'm yours!

The whores! The whores! G'damn boy! The whores!

But it's me! It's me whose cleaning the skid marks out yo drawers!

Can I get that attention? A phone call? Hell! A house with hardwood floors!

It's my spirit that leaked in and overpoured

And you have no remorse

Yepper! Love has taken its course

Over and over

Just can't seem to get this thing right

I have a reason to be bitter, and I STAY ready to fight

I expect these games

These lames

The dames

Whatever fucked up picture I could create in your pretty ass frame

I see through you

In the beginning I had already felt the hurt and pain

Now we're playing the blame game

All I want is happiness and to stay sane

Give you what you need and whatever you want

How many women you know will find another bitch for the both of us to flaunt?!

Between the love making, fucking and sucking.. I got lost!

Who knew that for pleasing my man, I would be paying the cost

I'm confused, in a daze

and my pussy's like frost.

Collecting moths

I'm bitter as hell and I have yet to cure this g-spot

My temperature's rising! I'm so hot!

Fuck a dildo! I need the real cock!

This story could go on and on

and on and on and on

You can't pass judegment if you don't know the history behind the song

What was once a liberated, free-spirited woman

had a demon in her all along

And all it took was for one sorry ass man to make her feel like she don't belong

Candi

R.I.P.

As we bow our heads on this day, to lay to rest the bullshit... it is safe to say that we can rejoice and be glad that it is gone!!  The big finale of what once felt like wedded bliss has finally made you come to your senses and realize that it wasn't going to work anyway.  It is now dead and stankin and buried 6 ft deep.  Whatever the situation may have been that brought you to your final thoughts about what is right and what is wrong, you should be happy that this part of your life is over and its 1 less dramatical error you have to deal with.

There comes a time when we have to realize that our efforts can actually be too much.  Some say that you should fight for what you believe in.  But I feel like you can fight so hard that it will tear your self esteem inside, out.  If no one can return the same amount of investment in you that you put in them, then you have to know that the person is definitely not worth it and there is no way that a person is going to change overnight.  Why do we tend to hold onto the past so tight? Given the reasons why your relationship ended in the first place, people tend to hold onto what they use to know and somehow actually believe that you can get it back. "People don't change, they just become more of who they really are."  If your man didn't become more of a family man and quit playing the video games, then it was never instilled in him to be that in the first place.  If your woman never stays home and is always running to the club or bar with her girls, then it was never in her to be the woman that you expected her to be. 

Most everyone talks about what they would like for their future to be like with the person that they claim they love.  This usually happens in the beginning of the relationship when the 2 of you are getting to know one another.  This is where the real attraction sets in because after we pass the physical aspect of this human being, the next test is their speaking abilities and to see if they actually have some real common sense.  I know this is going to sound hella funny but even if you have sex the first night, if you take the time to talk to that person afterwards... believe it or not, it can actually lead to a whole new attraction.  Although we all know this is not the way to go but I do not pass judgement on no one. This is what brings the actual relationship together: the conversation, the chemistry (not sex), the energies. Great sex is a wonderful bonus. And if you can have it all, then congrats to you! I have endured relationships where the sex was not all that great, however the mind stimulation was fantastic.  Think you can have a relationship based souly off the fact that the sex is great? Hell no!! You are looking at a barrel full of rotten apples.  And thus we have "fuck buddies".  But getting back to the real deal.  We're taking a look at this real relationship that was once everything that you wanted it to be.  I read an article that gave most relationships a total of 3 years before partners actually started getting tired of one another or aggravated by habits of the other.  I strongly believe that this is true.  And anyone who can make it pass that and maybe an additional few more years are the ones who end up married. Unfortunately this is not me.

So now, here we are pass this "3 year" honeymoon period. Shit starts to get a little hectic but nothing that you can't handle. No one is thinking before they speak and the anger that builds up between the both of you seems as if you may have had some issues in your childhood ;) lol! But all jokes aside, caring is just not caring anymore and the love is not the love that it use to be.  Yes the 2 of you may still consider yourselves together or even living together, but I think (and this is just my opinion) that the only reason the 2 of you are still there and will not bust a move is because its comfortable.  You 2 have achieved a relationship like no other because even your best friend has no idea that you chew your toenails in bed at night.  These are the exceptions that you have made for this person and there is no other that wont mind ducking and dodging them fungus filled nails as you spit them across the room.  (by the way, this is just an example) This is also what we hold onto.  But now things are getting too heated and it finally comes to an end, or doesn't it? 

Now we are at the back and forth game of tug of war.  I love you! No, I love you! But no one is really making an effort to get back together. Or let's use my case for example. He tells me how he feels and says that he wants to work on us.  Well that means that WE are working on US, or at least thats what is suppose to be happening.  Well I'm working and he's not.  And then this is where the bullshit gets old.  A little too old to keep functioning and therefore it needs to be laid to rest.  "I don't give a fuck" attitudes gets you know where in life in any situation.  It only creates more heartache and pain for yourself and soon enough you realize that you have burned so many bridges, there is nothing left out there for you to hold onto.  Excuse me for a sec, lemme come back to the general public LOL!!  You can't put in work for 2 people. You are you and they are them.  Your time and effort could be spent on hobbies, or your kids, your friends, a new love, anything.  How long does it take you to come to this realization that it's never going to work?  Your partner has to finally do something that will make you fall flat on your face and rip you of all your dignity before you see that you have been ass-out all this time just because THEY told you that they wanted to work things out.  If you ask me, usually the person who fucked the shit up to begin with should be the one putting in all of the work. But it's really the person who cares and loves the most that end up putting in all the work.  Which means that you are the weakest link.  We all know that it will take you longer than most to finally put the bullshit to the side and start digging its grave.

This is how we grow and learn. We take it and charge it to the game and then we have created another fucked up individual. Gut instincts are always right.  If you feel it deep down in your soul, the bottom of your belly... if you feel it in your heart, then IT IS OVER!!! Let that thing go.  It's never going to be. And the only way it will be is if that bastard bends over backwards and kiss your ass.  But we all know that will never happen.  Yep this all sounds good and the other saying goes "practice what you preach" but I know I'll probably be the first one to break this rule and push aside all of reality which has smacked me in the face quite a few times.  One thing's about it, if I could face the fact that once it's dead, then it is gone forever;  I will finally be free. Just a little side note:  I think I could live without this drama and emotional rollercoaster ;) But as for now, I am happy to say that it is resting in peace.

Core of Conflict

People are seriously some amazing creations and today's hot topic will be about Love/Hate relationships. I will admit, before we go deeper into this particular debate, that YES! I am feeling some type of way today.  I don't think it necessary to give you the revelation of how I came up with this particular topic, however, I will say that the confirmation I received was necessary.  And here we are at the "core of conflict".

So couples unite and discontinue every other day.  I'm going to assume that there must be some type of chemical releasal, adrenaline rush or a just plan ol fucked up mental health that makes these people keep going back to bullshit.  You love'em but you hate they ass as well.  Truth be told! We can't get enough of the drama, the release of hot air, screaming, fighting, bickering, text wars, and the list could run a mile long.  If the goal in everyone's life is to be successful and "drama free", how is it that you continue to run to the shit that makes you feel so good and feel like shit all at the same time.  This is at the point in your relationship when absolutely nobody can get on the same page or come to an agreement of where to meet half way.  Question is why? But we all know that everyone has their fucked up ass ways and want to do shit their way.  Straight like that. 

Once upon a time, 2 people met and they grew to love one another like no other love could ever grow.  The 2 of you are running through a field of dreams.  Soft music playing in the background and smiles for days.  At least a few months go by and then the record scratches.  Hold up!! We hit an iceburg in the road!! Yes! A damn iceburg!! And I feel sorry for the people who dedicate their lives to one another, put that shit on paper, and go through the processes of changing names only to get them changed back. OMG! what a fuckin waste of time!  But believe it or not, there are a lot of people out here that really wants to endure this shit.  I'll raise my hand first... I am one of them. SO are you really holding on to the dream of what it could be? Keyword: Could. Whatever the situation may be that combines the 2 of you together, does it make them your soulmate because you just can't get enough of one another. And no matter how many times you leave, you always make your way back to what you call "home". The passion and the emotions that build up and come out in these arguements are none like any feeling you have felt.  We are not talking about love here.  We are talking about the turmoil and the fire.  It's damn near better than sex. Could even be considered erotic. Some people actually get a kick out of this shit. Someone is always finding some thing to strike a nerve for the other and here we go again back on this merry go round. Swinging our limbs and yapping off at the mouth.  If you are tired and fed up, why not leave? What is it that you are really holding on too? How can you love someone and hate them at the same time? Or is this really, a metaphorically speaking type of situation?

You put all your coins in this bucket to bank on this one particular person.  You know well enough that there are plenty, and I do mean plenty, of other people in this world.  Could it be the fear of letting go of what you have known for so long? Could it be the fear of starting over? Having to learn someone new all over again and then put up with the new bullshit? The desires that you have for the person that you are currently in this love/hate relationship has such a tight grip on you that no matter how hard you try to consider yourself  "making things right", we all know that it will never be.  If the confusion was to die down and there was nothing left for any of you to argue about, could you stand it? How would you be able to function knowing that you two finally came to an agreement and are getting along?  As a matter of fact, tell me if this has ever even happened to anyone? LOL!!!  Your "natural high" has gone down.  That adrenaline, chemical embalance or whatever it may be is no longer getting the fix that it needs.  And true indeed, it is like sex and you do need it.  Its what make your relationship work... that never-ending stimulation, it drives you crazy. Thats what you want! To see the emotion that you can draw out of one another.  It becomes routine, you break up to make up, have hot and oh-so nasty sex and we are on cloud nine once again, but only for a spell.

One minute you screaming "I love you" in the heat of passion and then the next minute you screaming "I hate you" in the line of fire.  I'm starting to truely believe that the both of these situations carry about the same amount of weight.  So if you look at it in a scientific state, since they already balance each other out, how is it possible to discard of one so that the one you really want to hold strong to overpowers the one you do not wish to overpower you or how you truely feel? Make sense? Must we have to dig deep back into our childhood and try understand ourselves and why it is that we don't know how to express our feelings in a manner that would be considered to be mature?  We have so much shit going on in this world around us that is out of the quote, unquote "norm" that we are use to. So with that being said, whose to say this shit aint normal LOL!!! It happens all too often in relationships and on a regular basis.  I go back because I love that person. I leave because I hate that person. One arm being pulled left and the other, right.  Don't know what direction to turn in because you can't make up your mind with yourself.  It is what it is. And this is where the high's and low's come to play and that chemical embalance that lies deep within your brain stem has flew off the damn charts.  Because to be honest with you, you done lost your damn mind!

Security Code

Allll-rite!! I feel a debate coming on.  Question for today: Who gets the security code? Now this is an issue that most people tend to steer away from because it causes the most problems and for no apparent reason if and only if, you have nothing to hide. 

So first things first, let's get pass the trust issues.  So you are in a relationship and you trust this person with every bone in your body.  There is nothing in this world that could make you think otherwise of this person because you know, inside and out, they would never do anything to you that you think you would have to worry about. We all know that everyone has their personal space, or in other words, everyone needs their personal space.  But wouldn't it be important to be able to share your space with your significant other.  Due to my place of work, I have witnessed married couples who have called in and made reservations and once you get to the part about whether or not they want an email... they give you an email address that both husband and wife share or either they will tell you to just send it to whatever they got in their profiles because they have access to their partners account. WOW!! amazing shit, huh?! So who does this? Apparently the ones that trust in their partners so much that they feel they can share any and everything. Because, honestly, once you get to that step... what should you be hiding anyway?

So you're not hiding anything.  You just want your personal property to be your personal property. Tell me what is so personal about it anyway? Why create a full blown fuss about what you "don't" have to hide?  First of all... if you are on Facebook, most of your business is posted for everyone to see anyway.  Everything except for what you get in your inbox and instant msgs that may have been conjured up over the time period you've been a faithful member.  We can see your friend's list, so if you have any ex's there that you may know of... there still shouldn't be an issue because what is in the past is still in the past, right? It's ok to be friends and to keep in touch.  I am a firm believer in not burning bridges with certain people just because you are in a relationship. And thus, I have made this mistake before. Ok, cell phones! I can understand the security codes on the phone to get into the phone.  They do serve real purposes like if you were to lose it, the kids playing around with it and dialing up people... they are like mini computers now.  They store lots of valuable information.  BUT if you tell your significant other that you have a limited amount of friends and family, then that should be all that is stored in your phone, right?  Not the number of the ex from FB to call when you get some free time so that ya'll can play catch up or maybe even do lunch. Hell I should be the only one that has the "nasty" pictures in your phone, so why can't I see myself? If I have access to your phone, then I am quite sure I will have easy access to your email as well as your Facebook and whatever other social site you may be apart of.  So is that what you are keeping from me?  Scared that I may find out you're on the mailing list for BOOB_splash.com?

Privacy is privacy.  Yes indeedy! But if I can spill my whole life story to you, then what is there left to hide?  You would have to know quite a few things from your partners past in order for the two of you to move forward in the first place. I would think there is no way that you could lie in bed with someone every night for however many months or years and know absolutely nothing about that person.  I feel that if you can trade names, trade bodily fluids, have babies, trade rings, share food, share drinks, share intimacy, or even share bills... then you should be able to trade spaces. 

Now here is where the conflict of interest comes in.  Abuse!!! You cannot abuse the privilege that you were given to share the space of your partner.  We have the rats that do their best to break codes and enter the domain to mess up friendships and relationships that their significant other has build with other ppl over the years.  And yes we are talking about male and female.  And for what?!  It's all about trust here and at one point, we didn't have anything to worry about, right?! This is your man/woman and "they ain't going nowhere".  And then the next question that comes into play is, even if you do find anything that could be the slightest bit suspicious... what would you do?  I could guarantee that you will not leave right away.  What you see in black and white on a screen is not always what it looks to be.  However what you see in flesh and blood in your bed is exactly what it looks to be.  There is a way to go about sharing spaces and not going overboard with the insecurities, because honestly, if you feel the need to have the password to anything that belongs to anybody other than you or your teenagers; truth be told, you are insecure.  Simple as that.  LMAO!!! Did I just confuse you?! I could care less about having a password to my significant others accounts.  Now if I was given a duty to look up something or help him with something, and it was thrown in there, my duty is to still do what I was asked to do.  It is not to withhold this information and try to use it to the best advantages that I could possibly come up with.  I do think that, the way friends hand over their passwords to snoop on other peoples profiles (ie: Facebook) it shouldn't be as big of a problem for your partner to hand over theirs.  I also want to make clear that their is a hell of a difference in it being offered to you and you requesting it.  If you feel it necessary to know the password, then yess, indeed you are insecure and your self esteem is beyond the lowest measures of dirt.  It doesn't help the relationship any more than whatever habits the two of you have been practiced among the both of you.  If you have someone that is willing to share every inch of their life with you, passwords or anything else AND you don't have a problem with sharing your part, then I think that we have found a match made in Heaven.  It is possible. 

Whether you like it or not, there comes a time with some things just have to be let go.  If you don't think so, then you will be the one to die a lonely bastard and I hope that someone feeds your cat while you are gone.  There aren't really that many secrets in this world.  At least nothing that could shock anybody because it all has been done BUT the only thing that would be shocking is the fact that it was your partner that done it. Oh My! Relationships aren't built off of what websites you have passwords to and how much information you can gather up on one person.  The trust is suppose to be there until given a reason not to... that's at the start of Day 1. I do believe that if we traded all of our private spaces with our significant others, that there would be a lot of Hell and high waters and a lot of single people.  Why, if you are in a relationship, you must still stick your hand in the cookie jar? What's the purpose? Is that to give yourself the assurance that you still got it?  I think I just came up with the idea for my next blog.  I believe these are the reasons that people hold onto their "personal space" so tight. Either way you look at it, regardless of what you find or what found you, no one is promised to you with or without the vows.  With or without the security code.

Who is the Rebound Guy?

Who is the rebound guy/girl?  Does anybody know? And how do you put someone in that category? What does the rebound guy/girl do to fill those shoes? or better yet, what do you do to the rebound guy/girl in order for him/her to be considered the rebound guy/girl?


I am asking myself these questions because a friend of mine asked me if he was the rebound guy.. and my response (honestly) I didn't feel like he was because of the type of history that we had, even though we had not spoken to or seen each other in years.  Well I shared this particular convo with another (female) friend who blurted out that "in fact" they were the rebound guy.  Now, let's clarify some things here... Yes! I admit, I did just get out of a relationship.  No! I am not looking for another relationship. I am just merely living my life like I should be able to do. Yes! It has only been a few months.  But is there really a time frame that is set for you to be considered ready to date and the next person NOT be considered the "rebound"? And I also think it is important to know that he is not the only person that I hold conversations on the phone with.  Nothing serious has happened.  There has been no sex involved.  I haven't even been on a real date since the break-up.  Just holding lots of conversations over the phone.  So maybe I'm a person that likes to talk... over the phone LOL!!! OK... I'm gonna be honest.  Soooo.. not real actual phone conversations over the phone but texting. LOL!! smh... But of the few that I text, there is only 1 that I text more than the others. So does that make him (in particular, the rebound guy)


OK back to the question at hand here.  Who the hell is the damn rebound guy/girl?  I gave you my situation. So I think I need to hear from the master that can tell you exactly how to catch this culprit.  I am going to ASSUME that whoever the first person is that you have relations with or start a relationship with is the rebound person.  No matter how long you have been split apart, by yourself, lonely, celibate... somewhere at some point and time, there is going to come a point where you are going to eventually be with somebody for whatever your reasons of being with them are.  Most people have a reason for waiting or even not waiting as long as they did or did not do.  So, if you really think about it, at the time that you do become ready, whether its been a couple days or even a couple years... when you are back in action, then you are back in action!!! Whoever you snatch up first is your rebound guy/girl, and then you SCORE!!! LMAO!!!


Be realistic ppl... do you really think that these so-called morals and standards one sets for themselves really make you more efficient when it comes down to the situation of the subject here at hand?  Well.. it doesn't, because no matter how long you wait or whatever your "rules" may be that YOU sot for yourself, it's not gonna make any difference in the future that was already mapped out by God, himself.  For all you know, you could be sleeping with the enemy for 20 years.  OR... You could meet a person one night, have sex, and be together for the rest of your lives (and I don't mean by way of a baby). 


Or I guess we could look at it this way... the person who is snatched up on the rebound is the person who basically takes the place of the other person until you get your mind off of the ex... Damn!! I'm good!  However, (of course there's a however) LOL... if you continue on with this person with no thoughts of the ex, and the 2 of you move on to live happy lives together, then what do you categorize that as? Because if the rebound is just suppose to be a mere play toy, there is no way that happiness could come out of that, right?  OK OK so maybe it is that you are suppose to be completely (and I do mean completely) over your ex before you can move on, and whoever you get after you are over the pain and misery of your broken heart *rolls eyes* that is when it is finally safe to say that you are no longer in rebound stage.  Most broken hearts, if you ask me, last forever.  They usually change people into cold-hearted asses when it comes down to new relationships.  Spoken from a true broken heart ;). I'm just not quite sure when it is safe to say that is safe because every cause and effect that effects your life in some way makes you the person that you are today.  That is mind, body and soul and how much you do or don't give a fuck about the next person or the rebound person (whoever you want to call them)


Well I think this will be all for today. Catch you on the "rebound" LMAO!!!

My Fairytale

My King overthrew all those that thought they could be
Slayed Warriors and dragons at war for me
Robbed from the rich and the proceeds were laid at my feet
And then I knew this fairytale was meant to be

So I let down my hair
He arose through my prayer
Carried me to our layer
Beseeched my heart to steer clear of former betrayers

Though my chastity belt was locked tight
I could say "no" no more to my Black Knight
And the armor I had welded soon took flight
I rode a horse through the forest that night
Where the fairytale proved the truth in love at first sight

My glass slippers were now a pair
His victory played back in my seductive stare
And yet again, he succeeds in modern warfare

This slightly baked, almond brown finish
Completed me; and the towns crooks slowly diminished
No forfeits all while his strength stayed replenished
He fought and he fought for my heart; the thieves had no choice but to relinquish
So there I stood by my King's side in sync with
No questions of his motives of his leadership
There I planted my feet as his Queen, it was my duty to lead with him

And uprooted from the ground, the bean stalk stem
Where we climbed so high, no longer worried of the envies in them
He dressed me like Christmas trees in trim
Grasped hold of me with every given whim
His light never grew dim

And the desires I had were amazing
My juice box continuously flowed and stayed a blazing
The butterflies in my stomach flapped so hard, they eventually starts to pacing
My heart stayed racing
Right off the Richter-scale! No tracing
This love wasn't fading
This fairytale is definitely still in the making.

Pure Love Produces Pure Nonsense

So, since this is my blog, let's talk about me.  Let's dig deep into one of the most common debates between the sexes. Because I want to know who makes up the do's and the don'ts when it comes down to major break-ups. And of course, we will begin by going off of my experiences because I don't care too much for anyone else's.

OK I say that to get to this point... here we are at almost 5 years (or was), and I think what I am trying to figure out is how do you or should you even re-consider your motives after the way the relationship ended, not why but how?  This is going to sound crazy but technically, no one even knows "why", not he or I know "why" it ended and on the note that it did and the way that it did.... yep! it's possible.  OK so regardless of what was going on in the house, just know that no one walked in on their partner fucking someone else in our bed.  And really, there wasn't anything to be mad about in the first place if you ask me.  Yes I do admit that there had been some tension in the house for the past couple of months merely do to lack of communication among another incident that should have never taken place, however, NOW I'm thinking that it just may have been for the better.  So, while randomly stating generalized facts, the real fact of the matter is that... my shit was put on the porch (literally) that night between 1 and 2 in the morning. Not to mention that, it's probably a good thing that when I first initially got mad at the total ass he was being, I went ahead and put the kids in the car because it really turned ugly after that.

So... now my world is over! This was the person that I was in love with and had been in love with for a very long time.  We eventually was going to get married (or so I thought) Depressed, not eating, weight lost and all while I have to act like absolutely nothing is wrong in the public eye and of course my kids (which are most important).  All while he is enjoying his new found status of being "single" and partying at the clubs every given chance with the friends that were and had always been his first priority (which was also one of the issues at hand).  ....... Once we get pass this stage of drama, not speaking, and of course "the baby"... good terms finally set in and then this is where the real shit begins.  Mixed emotions and feelings about what was once there or what could have still been there if only the misunderstanding that night had been understood from the very beginning.  Keyword: Communication! Let me reiterate a few things... this could be any situation but the example I'm giving is mine.

OK now... HOT TOPIC!!!... What do you do?! You give in? You become submissive to the temptations that always had your panties in a bunch since the first time you met? Do you put all your apples back into this barrel and hope that without the "realistic" care, another apple tree will grow? LMAO!! Picture that!  .... Whoa!!! Here we go.... this is where the  roller coaster gets bumpy going "uphill".  So they say, "I wanna work things out." (LLS! you know as I tell this story, I find myself more and more amusing) OK now... we all know how things ended... very, very ugly!  The 2 of you being grown and I'm going to assume in sound body and mind, know that there is a slight bit of hesitation.  You want to but you don't want to.  Way too much invested, however, a lot of those investments aren't worth the embarrassment and heartache that was endured during the time of the War. And on top of that, it's going to be waaaayyyy more work trying to work out a relationship that was once in the same household for a lil over 4 years.  Well, let's be honest here, the fact of the matter is "hellz yeah".  You would be willing to do anything to make your "marriage" (in your mind) work.  You are in love but it's somehow apparent that, he's a man! And I'm starting to learn that their "in love" is not the, or better yet, nowhere near what we (us women) consider it to be.  This is the bullshit you have been settling with since the beginning of time.  Let's be honest ladies, fuck that bullshit about the man working and whatever else nonsense.  I wouldn't want to be classified as one because they're weak and lazy, and women work 10x's harder in any given job whether its a real job, marriage, mother, dammit ladies! we are maids in our own homes!!! Well that's another blog.  However,  you put your heart and soul into this man. Sacrifices out the wa-zoo, your life is pretty much over because you would rather devote your time to the development of that bullshit you see on TV, LOL!

Alright... well you are putting in the work.  All you needed was a go-ahead that it was ok for you to come back in.  But wait a min... not so fast.  You are still on the outside of the door where you once use to be on the inside of... Bitch, you don't have a key! Your key! or any body's key! the locks have been changed.  How embarrassing is it to knock on the door of a house that you, at one point, use to live in and pay bills in and you actually still have shit in that belongs to you.  SMH!!! I think I have just answered my own question.  Life still goes on for him. And you are not allowed to spend the night unless it's on his terms. Do you see where we are going with this?  OK so... let's think about this thing.  Grow your balls back and collect some damn dignity about yourself.  Where does the foot get put down at? I mean... do you go with the flow? His flow that is.  Or do you put your foot down and come to some type of agreement as to how this shit is going to work, that is, if it's even gonna work at all. Or "fuck it"! Move the fuck on and use that bastard for a play toy the way he is basically trying to use you.

You're a wimp!! So you keep your options open, go on a date or 2 or at least pretend like you did. Maybe a few girl night outs and in the meantime the phone calls and text messages from you to him, have now died down.  You have not one brittle bone in your body to snip that bastard with even if you indented them yourself.  Sooooo.... instead of the push over demanding ways you got kicked off with in the beginning (when the guns let off at the start of the race), you lay low and if it just so happens that you end up over there one day, or night, then so be it.  At least this way you feel comfortable with knowing it wasn't you begging and pleading at the door.  Yeah the same door that use to be yours as well.

Have we gotten to the point where this story gets justified?  Most of this is about me and other random thoughts and questions are just that, random.  However, whose to say what you should or shouldn't do? I know not me and that's apparently evident.  However, you can't help how you feel about a certain person and maybe it is right for people to keep going back just to get this person out of their system.  Maybe we need to consider rehab for "People Against People".  You truly can become addicted to somebody. Who knew?!  How do you know that if you walk away completely, what this path would be like?  Well.. I'm gonna assume that it wouldn't be all too great starting out the way its starting out, AGAIN!!  But as you hang up your emotions and they began to fade and you break away from the bad habits that you had created for yourself due to the fact that love can make you do crazy things.... this person is back at it again.  I call it, keeping one at arms reach.  Because one things about it, you will never be too far away where they can't get to you.  And in my case, I have one fortunate misfortune because of the fact that we have a child together.  I've never dreamed of going through the back and forth baby momma/baby daddy drama.  One minute they together and the next minute, they are slandering each others name on Facebook.  Being the one with the "most common sense" of what to do and what not to do when it comes down to those compromising situations, it became clear to me that I had never been in one of these compromising situations and never knew or understood why love make us all do crazy, unforgivable and unforgettable shit!! OMG!!!  If you were happy then, whose to say that you couldn't be happy again? in love again (on both ends)? "Pure love produces pure nonsense" ... I love this quote.  It stands so corrected because if you really look at it, even if you are still with your partner, bf/gf, husband/wife, family member, best friends... you still or have already put yourself into compromising situations in order for the 2 of you to plan ol' just work.  Who the hell knows how to answer any of the questions I just asked or what the outcome will be.  But believe me, once I find out... I will be the first to let you know.

Blog Virgin

Never understood what the whole blogging ordeal was about until I turned 28 and all of a sudden decided that reading is fun.  So I'm playing on Facebook one day and doing what Facebookers do best (being nosey), I run across an old friends page who apparently has a site set up (not here).  I took this valuable time I was using at work to read through a few of his postings and found it very intrigueing that I could post my thoughts for the world or at least a couple hundred ppl to read.  Not only do my plans for taking over the world start piecing together ;) but what he was saying was actually interesting and worth the time. I found myself responding aloud. 
I could make this my "Live" Diary and not feel any shame or remorse about how I feel because Im sure it's someone else out there that probably feels the same way.  So anywho... another day at work and I spend my time looking for sights and trying to figure out exactly how to work this thing.  Excited about what I can post, what I should post, how many, IF I should post... oh the brain was in a rage.  I came up with absolutely nothing, so I figured my first post would be about the fact that I came up with absolutely nothing LOL!!! I found it to be very amusing, but I knew I had to put something in this spot just to get my gears oiled up.  Hopefully this will turn into an endearing experience for me and maybe I will be able to succeed in producing all other projects that have came and went for whatever reasons. My thoughts, my dreams, my poetry and so on and so on.... to be continued...