My Lust, My Love, and My Necessity

I gaze out of the glass door, only to entrap myself in the middle of the glass pane. I'm caught up in the thoughts that swarm and overthrow my state of conciousness. *umph* I want him. I want him badly. I remain in a state of confusion, trying to problem solve the mathematical formula where I keep trying to test my theory that infinite has to break down somewhere. Is it healthy to want some body so badly? Lust and love remains at war but I try to intervene and put my heart where my lust stands. How backwards of me. How does someone get comfortably wrapped in assurance for the well-being of another? First sight... something is triggered. Fired. An eruption ;) I am controlled by him. Overwhelmed with intensity of whatever it is that attracts. Heavily sedated. Bound by roots but I feel connected to his soul. My history lists that we were once in love. My history lists that we were compelled to one another. Drawn to each other by some sort of magnetic field, lead to believe that fate was all we had. I get weak. Illusive with flashbacks of empowered love making, hardcore fuck slaying, and remote passion. Something endearing. Something that leaves me lusting for more of what use to be.

My Love outlines a timeline of life. A life completed. A life created. A life consisting of future existence. Nestled in so tightly building a bond connected with ropes welded like ball and chain. A connection that connected with the intent to commit a blissful state of romance. Soulmate capacity. Hearts beating to the same rhythm and blood flowing like the stream of a river. He is my composure. My adulthood. My here and now. My sanity. Oriented and ordained to life's pleasures: family, 360 degrees in unbreakable angles. I commit to my love knowing that my safety lies here. Shared responsibilities. Shared dreams. Shared wants and needs. Shared everything. Defiant to my lust and oblivious to my necessity. I stand here bolted to the one thing that keeps me rooted to a foundation conjuring up the American Dream. My life is my love. My love is my lust and my necessity made official to assume all positions that which I search. My love is just that, my love. A company within a company. An incorporation evolving into a signature life form.

But what I need? What I need is confirmed evaluation as a woman, a mother, wife, lover and friend. Confirmation stands firm with my necessity and never have I been devalued or demoralized for the actions that which I have performed. My necessity is deep. A category all in it's own. He's my self esteem. He's my qualities. My motivation. My good spirit. My essence, tears. He's everything that I never knew I had in me. He confirms. He backs the background that he continuously tries to place me in. No remorse for the wait or the time span built in. He's what I need and more. Needless to say, I know what he should be to me but life lead me elsewhere. The history continues to accumulate in between, but distance falls in the crevices. Timing calculates years behind time. I continue to subdue the energies that keeps my backbone erect. I feed off of the "unwanted" uplifts and laughter. He shouldn't be able to make me this happy. He shouldn't be able to put me in a place that completes my purpose for living life the way that I do. He's not my love or my lust but the necessity that would prioritize my existence. The completion.

Until next time bloggers...

Pro Choice? or Cop Out?

I decided to touch on a very sensitive subject today. We are going to talk about ABORTIONS!! Yes... very touchy. Of course, my motivation came from someone else's misery, however I have encountered this situation myself a time or two. I won't get into the scenario of the other person or deeply into mine but I will generalize my point of views and "skip" with you, a little, through my personal experience.

The Field Trip
Entering the clinic, you go register just as if you were there for a regular doctor's appointment. This particular sitting area is where the people wait who arrived with the you/patient. First things first: name, i.d. and your money. Up Front! No refunds! Not even if you change your mind. Moving right along, they don't let you spend much time in that particular area. Think that was a quick process? You are mistaken. You then pee in a cup (confirmation that you are pregnant). Given a few pills: 1 for pain and another to help "supposedly" dialate your cervix. Blood work drawn, blood pressure taken, and you are then sent to "your" waiting area amongst a whole other group of waiting women as if it were a group therapy session. You go back for an ultrasound and then they send you back to wait some more. As for your privacy? What privacy? They play movies to accomadate your wait. These movies run across the screens in the front waiting area, this back waiting area and the recovery room. Specifically comedies and none pertaining to children and/or babies. This wait can take up to as long as 3 or 4 movies, maybe even longer. As if you haven't suffered enough with the thought process that has built a railroad of it's own across your brain, you are then called to the back to lay on a table in the middle of a room. No support. This is a medical procedure that demotes moral support. So regardless of who you went there with, you still go threw it alone. Classical music, maybe R&B Soul (depending upon who your nurses are) flows from the radio. The staff are trained to be unsympathetic. I don't need for you to tell me that my "baby is a peanut and it hasn't even formed yet", "it'll all be over soon", "are you sure you want to go through with it?" Because now the woman who lies across this table is in a hysteric panic frenzy after just making the biggest and hardest decision of HER life. The pain medicine that they give you is a fucking IBUProfen. Women who actually go with the choice to have their baby are catered with epidurals, statinol or other medications to accomadate the pain where nature naturally take it's course. But with the situation we are given here, along with your useless pain killer, they numb your cervix (it doesn't work), your cervix is forced open (a 3 stage process), then the child is snatched cut/snipped/suctioned from your uterus (NOTE: you are able to feel this whole procedure). They give you a sanitary napkin, assist with lifting you off the table and WALK you to a recovery room where you WAIT AGAIN amongst other women who have just had the same procedure done. They walk around with a little clipboard, hand you some lemonade, more meds and ask if you would like some crackers to settle your stomach. Proceed with a questionaire about birth control and sit back and watch whatever movie is being shown. You are sent home with a prescription for pain meds and a list of "to do's" and "not to do's" and a conscious that will never let you rest comfortably under the notion that not only did you have to make the most horrible decision of your life but your punishment doesn't stop there.

Back from the Field Trip
Alrite class? How is everybody feeling now? Is this a matter of "pro choice" or "cop out"? Is this a decision-making process for just the mother or BOTH mom and dad? How many people are against abortions? Are there any excuses? Once you take matters of life into your own hands, is it safe to assume that you are going into this judgement day with good intentions for yourself as well as "your choice" and the outlook on a brighter future? Would you rather go through the motions of a 9 month pregnancy and then pass your child off to a stranger? Would you rather bring a child into this world knowing that you will never be able to afford another mouth to feed because of the simple fact you can barely afford to feed yourself? Would you rather a woman with AIDs bring a child into this world knowing the type of life they would have to endure? Would you rather a woman who is an addict, a woman who is living in poverty, a teenager, a child... to be able to bring another human being into this world? A child who will, then be classified as another statistical error all due to the fact that a woman is/will be shunned for an "improper" choice...

Sure enough we hear the gunshot wound comments that are usually made by those that feel like they never encounter mistakes. I was all for the Pro Life fight until life placed me in a very unpredictable and unsafe environment to be raising a child. I had to have enough sense to make a decision that would not only effect the route to which my life would travel but that child as well. Drowning in these circumstances still didn't make it any easier to come up with a decision. Others can give you an outline of how to live YOUR life, but no one can achieve that mission but the person whose life it is. Do I agree with "pro choice"? Yes. I do! Do I agree with the abuse of it? No I do not. It is an alternative, not a cop out! No matter what the situation may be for the reasons behind the decision, the WOMAN is the one with the responsibility at the end of the day. Do I agree with "pro life?" Yes! I do BUT these same protesters aren't going to be the ones financially fulfilling your needs when you are down and out. Providing homes for when you are homeless or food when you can't eat. Taxpayers complain about welfare, so where is the balance in any of it? The woman has the responsibility to debate whether or not she is fit to raise a child, fit to bring a child into this world (whether she will be raising them or not), or even fit to be a mother period. The circumstances that which the woman falls under: for instance, me... a woman whose body fights off anything producing a releasal of hormones. That means NO oral contraceptives/inserts/patches... nothing. Among us are a few others like the fact that it is definitely not good to bring a child in this world already in the mix of violence, arguements and emotional rollercoasters. Who would be willing, openly to project such harsh acts onto a person upon their instant arrival?

I am Pro Life Choice. Your Life. Your Choice! At the end of the day, you lay down with yourself, your thoughts and the decisions/choices you have made within your life. Your failures and your progressions. Regrets and accomplishments. It's a blessing to be able to bring another life into this world but it's hard work to complete a job that has no job description. You learn as you go. You are judged if you decide to have a baby because people are looking at your situation and whether or not you are able to set a proper example. You are judged if you decide not to because "abortions is murder". And if that's the case, what do you call the mother's who murder their children in cold blood, the babies over in Samolia, the babies left in trash cans or the orphans that were never adopted and pushed into the world never experiencing a life of love, giving and sharing in a family setting? So there is no winning either way you look at it. Only you know what's best for you.

Until next time bloggers... think wisely

Trials of a Mother: Survival of the Fittest

I've got the best of both worlds! It's a boy! AND a girl! Most parents (good parents) usually come up with this long list of rules and such, that they would like for their kids to abide by. Map out a plan or blueprint of a foundation for life, that which they would like to teach them in hopes of becoming more prosperous than they. In the meantime, it seems as though these plans are only mapped out depending upon the sex as if no gender is suppose to learn the same as the next gender. Things I would like for my son to know... Things that I would like for my daughter to know... How about we look at the things I would like for my children to know. Life is life and regardless of how much you try to seperate the sexes, people are people and still have to live as a person should. Does that make sense? Categorize me as a person. Not by my chromosomes because at the end of the day, I can't always depend on the next chromosome to be there to complete the gene pool of my DNA and neither can my babies.

Pay Attention:
Be attentive to all details. Details that surround you and the person next to you. If I haven't learned anything in all of my 28 years, I have learned that your atmosphere means everything. Be observant. Shut up and listen. Pay attention. Don't just stand there!!! Act on your situations. That's the purpose of paying attention. What you bring into your circumference and what you take out of it. The next person matters if they are in plain sight of you... at all times. Doesn't matter whether or not they matter to you. Life happens like a domino effect. Be mindful of where you stand.

Man Up:
I've heard that no woman has the right to say "man up". Well I beg to differ. When I have spent most of my life watching my mother and aunts performing (so-called) "manly duties" and I have spent my life following in their footsteps performing my own "manly duties", I feel that I have every right to tell both my son AND daughter to "man up". There is no time in this world to sit back and complain, whine, pout, or to wait around on someone else. Period. If shit needs to get done, then do it. Life could be far worse than the fact that you feel the world isn't kissing your ass. Life could be far worse than you not being able to afford some unnecessary shit. (My motto: if you can't afford it or even make ways to afford it, then it's unnecessary) I've witnessed people in college who made it through without books for certain classes. Talk about manning up! You have to do what you have to by all means necessary to live a life that is comfortable for you. So man up.

Be Consistent:
Consistency is a word that contains elasticity. It can be flipped and altered or contorted to be be suitable within yourself at all cost. If something works for you, no matter how hard it is or how crazy it makes you look, stick to it. Remember that trouble don't last always and everyone has to hustle. People tend to get off track when additional distractions are brought about. People, sex, money, stress, anything. To be honest, nothing in this world is a "jaw-dropper". Everything is just a repetitive act of history meaning that at some point, it already happened. What's the surprise in that? The only surprise is, you may have never seen it before BUT in the meantime, it shouldn't effect you. No one/happening should have the rights to claim to make or break you. To sum all of this up... be consistent in your attitude towards life. Be consistent in your personality and effects that you have on others. Never adjust to change. Change should adjust to you.

Avoid Dependency:
Mommy will always be here. No doubt in my mind unless my time expires before their need to confide in me. BUT my babies should always remember no one's word is their bond. A promise is just another word that also has a definition amongst the thousands in the Webster Dictionary. Count on yourself because no one is going to look out for you the way you look out for yourself. Once you become dependent on the next person, you lose sight of yourself and the path at which you were riding. It's harder to snap back from latching onto someone else's tit rather than just trying to milk the cow on your own. ALWAYS be WILLING to milk the cow. Dependency puts people in a vulnerable position. A position that puts the person with the upper hand in control of you, your time, and your space. Always look to yourself for that guidance. Avoid dependency.

Blood is thicker than water
I have 2 sisters. I'm the oldest and a lot of male cousins. When it came down to my confrontations and any time I just needed a friend, one things about it... I could always look to my family. I put my 2 here (Superior and Blessing) for each other. Nevermind the route to which they got here. My plan worked. Not ever should I see, hear or feel that someone's back was turned on the other. My blood run through their veins and that flow should never be disturbed. No friend, money, wife, husband, NOTHING should pry either of the 2 away from their brother/sister. Sure enough will I tumble over in my grave. If I leave nothing else behind, I would feel comfortable leaving this Earth knowing that my babies have an unbreakable bond like no other and that MY blood flows like GLUE!!!

And there you have it. The Survival Of The Fittest. Think I'm a tough mommy? Think it's too early in the years to have such strong-minded children? Try meeting them in person. LOL!! You are in for a treat.

Until next time bloggers...

What's Mine is Mine and What's Mine is Mine, So Don't Make Yourself at Home

Writing has been helping me to psychologically evaluate myself without having to come up with the extra funds, LMAO... whew! I kill myself! Anyways, today's breakthrough session? I don't like when people get too comfortable around me. I don't know what scared me as a child but I'm always uneasy in other people's house/presence unless they are family. I have 2 friends, so they don't count as "people" LOL! More like family I guess. But you would still never catch me picking my toes on their couch while we are camping out in the living room drinking wine and watching movies. Not at my house and definitely not at theirs. And it doesn't matter how long I have known them. I can only make myself confortable to a certain extent. And some things, you just don't do... in the presence of others. I could never find myself hanging my underwear across someone else's shower rod or soaking them in someone else's sink. Ok, maybe that is extreme... I don't like using other people's lotion, soap, toothpaste, plates... get the picture? LOL!!! Seriously!

Comfortability goes far deeper than what's seen on the surface. People get too comfortable. Settled in. Tucked in. Snug tightly. All consistency is lost and the capability to act as a grown up. And here we go again! Replying to the question asked by the preacher, "Do you take this..." Hell no! I don't! We could be talking about anybody here. If before, within a relationship/friendship/roommate-ship LLS! you were supporting yourself in your life endeavors, why would you slack up and become dependent on someone else for the shit that you were doing to begin with? The shit that proves your adulthood, your responsible-ness. Everyone has some type of shit with them that may tee off the next person and they honestly don't realize it. But, becoming a slacker is a deal-breaker all in it's own. And the problem with this is it never comes until later. Just because you came across a person that may have made a couple purchases or helped you out in certain situations, that does not mean that they want to incorporate those duties into their daily life routines. YES! It is necessary to have 2 of one thing in a house. YES! it is necessary for you to continue to pay your own bills. Let's keep it real, being put in situations such as this could leave you feeling that you are really the one with the problem. It's the small things that piss you off, so you just might be the one who is over-reacting OR maybe you're just a fucked up individual all together.... *Jeopardy music* Naaa, common sense is common sense. It's just unbelievable that someone could be that comfortable in their laziness.

Because you know someone, does not give you the right to ask to use their toenail clipper AND THEN pick your toes. Because you pick up your dead skin cells after you are done doesn't make it any better either. You live with somebody? That does not give you the right to stop buying your own damn soap. Who said I wanted to share mine? YES! It is still necessary to have 2 of one product in a household. I use Secret deoderant. I buy Axe deoderant for my son. See what I did here? Sharing deoderant? Eeewwww!! Because you live next door and we just so happen to be going in the same direction, doesn't mean that I want to ride with you to work OR that I want you to ride with me. My Black and Milds are for me and so is my liquor. I support my own habits and so should you. If I brought my own liquor to the party, that means I want to drink my liquor, not serve your guest. I bought snacks for my babies, not yours. And if they don't want to share, they don't have to. I don't like when people hang their jackets on doors, or vacuum cleaners... ugh. Someone please tell me, am I the one with the problem? If it's broke, fix it. If you can't, leave it alone BUT immediately find someone who can. LOL!! Why leave the disaster area a disaster for the next person to piss and bitch?!... like me.

OK, now you can call me crazy. Guess you can say that I have a comfortability issue. Not commitment issues, trust issues, opening up issues... lol I mean, there are some (very few) people who I disregard my pet peeves with, however there are more than a few who I give the sideways glance to and hope that they see the same picture that I see in my peripheral. You would think that if I constantly repeat something pertaining to whatever it is that irks my nerves, the person would take into consideration what it is that's being done and try to correct the situation. Because I have known you for "x" amount of years does not mean that we are cool. So cool that you feel like you can do/not do or say anything around me. No! You can't go into my fridge and see what I have to drink or eat. Let's also incorporate the fact that because we have BEEN TOGETHER for "x" amount of years, that does not give you the right to take a break and think that it's ok NOT to take me on a date. No I don't want to lounge around in my undies all day and watch movies. That is not spending time together. Whatever you were doing in the beginning needs to be done in the middle, at the end, forever. Come on people!! Don't make yourself too too comfortable.

So I think my job is done here. It could possibly be an eye-opener for a lot of people including myself. I can look back on some pass situations and understand why my mom always made big deals out of what seemed like nothing. But I'm getting older :( and... I guess... I can... relate now LOL!! It killed me to type that.

Until next time bloggers... don't make yourself at home

Automotive Techniques on Discrimination

I wish I had the equipment to go undercover and reveal how people can be such ignorant assholes. For those that do not know, I went to school to become a certified technician. This is one of my many talents all wrapped up in my versatility ;) If need be, I can and will perform most minor work on a car, that is if the tools are available to me. Most major work, with the reassurance that my diagnosis was correct, I could take out the time to do but I work slow so I usually find someone else to do it for me. When I was in school, I spent most of my projects pulling out motors and dropping them in. I loved outshining the guys in my class, but apparently, I later found out that your classroom efforts aren't enough even if your breast are the smallest of cup sizes.

I worked part-time at an auto parts store, with efforts of seeking other employment to kick off my career. This is where things start to become a little on the fiery side. Knowing that the field I had chosen was a "man's field", I had high hopes and big dreams for mastering my career choice. As if the looks on people faces weren't enough when walking into an auto shop to hand in applications with some of thee top notch references to back me; getting the turn around was worse with knowing that they would never look at the application twice to see my accomplishments, confirm my references or to come to terms with the fact that a woman was capable of doing a man's job. No call backs. No interviews. No nothing. On top of me knowing (for fact) that they were hiring and did have positions for employment available to me. I knew what was happening here. I tried at this shit for 2 years until I finally gave up. Yes!! Candi had been defeated, smh.

Not only do we start the discrimination here, but it proceeds far beyond applying for a job. When teaching a class full of men, they should go ahead and incorporate a lesson for "how to bullshit women without them being smart enough to find out." You see, now that I can take my car to a shop and know exactly what it is they are talking about, I can also let them know what I know and believe to be the problem. While also stating my process of elimination along with what tinkering I have already done to it on my time. It's so funny how these "bullshit mechanics" will argue with you and belittle you until you give in and say, "yeah you are right." Enough to give them a "hard-on" and to, then, swindle you for every dime that you do not have. Although, I have not been to a regular auto shop in years, there still are others that make this mistake (taking their car to a mechanic) quite often. Let's go into detail of how a regular conversation would go with mechanic verses woman customer or me:

Woman/Me: I'm having some problems with my suspension. It keeps making this squeaking noise. I understand that Ford's have a reputation for their suspension not performing as they should and so far I have replaced the tie rods, upper and lower ball joints along with the upper and lower control arms. Not to mention, my bushings have also been replaced. I'm thinking it could be the sway bar. I was informed the LAST time I had that replaced, they probably just replaced it with the cheaper part that was made of plastic. I'm thinking we should go with the polyurethan sway bar and see if that lasts longer than a year.

Mechanic: *laughing* Who told you that was the problem?

Woman/Me: *straight face* No one. I work on cars too. Figured it out for myself. I've damn near had the whole suspension replaced on both sides. There shouldn't be any reason why in less than a year, I'm still having the same problems.

Mechanic: Well I won't know until I look at it.

Woman/Me: I don't need you to look at it. I need for you to just replace what I asked you to replace and to let me know what it will cost.

The squabble will usually last for "x" amount of minutes. That's only if I allow it to before snatching my keys and leaving. But, in other cases, most women usually let the man be a man and do his business lol. Then you get the phone call that you have painstakingly awaited, as if someone's life was on the line. He has had his chance to "look at it" and they come up with a shit load of bullshit to let you know that "they have to have this fixed before they can fix that", so forth and so forth, until you are well up into at least a $1000.00 worth of labor. And it's either all or nothing. You can vote to just fix what you had taken the car in there for to begin with. But believe me when I say that you may endure more problems than what you had when you first went in.

The Difference: I have walked into an auto shop with a man. Attitudes are totally different. Not only did the mechanic speak firm as he said hello, introduced himself AND shook his hand, but he also gave access to the garage where he "shared the hood". "Sharing the hood" (one of my vocabs) man bonding with the car. Mechanic shares with the "man customer" what the problem is, where it is coming from, and how they are going to fix it. Mechanic empathizes with customer and gives him the reassurance that he's going to take care of him. More like an act of gayness to me. Now on the day that I witnessed this happening, the mechanic was taking note that the guy was confiding in me about what should be done. Mechanic notates this and then decides to "share the hood" with me and try to convince me on what should be done. Where I then, politely respond, "just do the shit that I asked you to do or I can take my business elsewhere." You see, this wasn't my car, so I was merely there for back up anyway. Because honestly, I would have never taken my car there in the first place.

Hopefully this paints a pretty picture for everyone. All types of discrimination still take place whether you want to believe it or not. Whether the law states it or the protesters protest until they turn black and blue. It's still here. Listen up class! The more labor that a mechanic concurs, the more money they get paid. Almost like working on commission. The more customers with a lack of knowledge about their own vehicle, the more money they get paid. It never hurts to get a second opinion, or third or fourth. Wouldn't you think that if you try building honesty and trust, you would gain more customers along with your regulars? Not the honesty and trust where your good intentions mean trying to fix the whole car all at once; but the honesty and trust where you look at my overall situation and fix my car based on that: my money, what I can afford, my situation, my time, how serious the problem is. And thus we have... more pay! You can't try to build a career based on dishonesty and feel that this is going to pay your bills forever. That's almost as bad as being a con-artist, loan shark, drug dealer, pimp... there is no future in making others feel that they are inferior. Because somewhere lurking in your customers, are people like me who can spot a bullshitter from a mile away.

I think I've stated my peace for today, until next time bloggers... find you a backyard mechanic. They are the best!!

Where Is The Love?

First off, I want to start off by congratulating a long time acquaintance of mine, Ashlee Altise (as the world now knows her), for going on to the next round in American Idol. Gots to love Lil Ash. She is and has always been an itty bitty person with an absolutely humongous heart, wonderful attitude, and a hustler's mentality. I have to admit, she has been working hard at her singing career for a long time. She has always been famous in our town but she definitely made an impression on the world just this past week. Can't wait to see her strutting her stuff down the red carpet! Or joy-hopping, lol.



NOW, let's get to the "hometown edition". The place is called Wilson. You wouldn't even know it existed if you looked at the map with a magnifying glass. No doubt that she received a lot of support from her family and friends but wherever there is fame and the ability to achieve something great, there is always some one or some thing in the mist that's ready to set your soul on fire. I usually stay away from newspapers and stay out of the news... some things I would just rather not know. But to arrive to work one morning with the reports that "Ashlee did not represent Wilson, NC" splattered across the front page of Wilson's homemade honky-tonk newspaper had me in a funk. So what, they listed that she was from Kinston. At this present time, that is where she lives. They may not have felt it to be necessary to report her "where from's" or "where to's", only her "right now's". Geesh! I mean really people. We should all be proud of the fact that another NC native proceeded to move along as far as she did. Congratulate her success and hope for the best along her way.

Growing up in a small town, everybody knows everybody. As if there wasn't enough grief going on the very next day about "the situation". I don't even watch American Idol, but I did tune in to see her do her thing. I hadn't even paid attention to what was listed on the TV screen. I was more ecstatic of the fact that she finally got her time to really shine and that is exactly what she did. People pay attention to the wrong things. They're trying to claim rights for something that will never belong to them. Who cares where the girl is from? Just listen to her sing! And most of the time when you sit back and look at these scenarios, it's really the people around you that makes all of the funky changes. I don't understand what the big deal is about. It's not like the county of Wilson will be getting a check cut. I don't feel that she should of had to explain herself to the newspapers or anybody for that matter. This drama occurs all due to the fact that envious bystanders decided to post on the newpaper's Facebook page the disappointment they had with her. Here we go with Facebook... so glad I'm not up there anymore. Not to mention, there are actually little back and forth bickerings in random commenting sections of people fighting for where she is from.... OMG!! Who does that?! If she wants, she can represent both Kinston and Wilson. Both towns put together still won't be as big as Raleigh, NC or any other metro area in the state of North Carolina. She could have just said that she was from NC... then what? Everybody would be mad because she didn't state what city she rep? At a time like this, she shouldn't be getting hassled about what city she is from. She should be rejoicing and savoring the unexpected delights of her fame.

The media or city fights doesn't stop there. She has to deal with the drama pertaining to her choice of attire, her hairstyle, even her choice of song... Common sense. I get it!! She did her thing! Nowadays, media looks for that pop. An eye-catcher. Someone who can and will draw you in. You have to do what you have to do to gain the attention that you need and want, to become successful in that particualar career field. Why should someone have to submit themselves to the "normal" conformity that would/should be expected from those who think they are so much better than everybody? No one expects a black person to spit the lyrics of a rock song the way that she did. For rock fans, in which I am not, you can't expect for it to sound exactly like the artist. Of course it's going to have an urban feel. Changes take place every single day by the second and people still have a hard time adjusting. I'm quite sure no one from our hometown expected to see her in such a uniform for her first appearance on TV either. And guess what? She gave everybody something to talk about whether the comments being made are good or bad. She's relevant if you like her. She's relevant if you don't like her. LMAO!!! SO, I guess the jokes on them. No matter how far she makes it on the TV show alone, she still made a hell of an impression on the entire viewing audience. You will never forget her face, her voice, or her "joy-hop".

So in today's class we learn what? Nothing, I'm sure. I just felt the need to share this with my blog community even though the direction of it is to be sent down a totally different highway. Preferrably 264 or 95, hwy 91, 117, 301. Whatever highway that brings you here, not that anyone would be visiting. LOL! But, regardless of the situation, common sense tells us all that no matter how good or how bad of an impression someone makes, there will still remain many others that feel they have more rights to judge than God does. It's a sad sad world out here. And you have to ask yourself, where is the love?

Until next time bloggers... I'll be joy-hopping with Lil Ash

I Don't: Marriage Only Complicates Things

I have reached a point where all of my "marital-wet-dreams" are slowly subsiding. I love watching WE TV, Dave Tutera and all of those other girly shows. I even confess that I will shed a tear or two when it comes time for their special day. It's not that I think marriage isn't for me or that it will never happen (tooting my own horn, I am far beyond wife material). My opinion is, this marriage game involves matching and I just don't see a match that can and will be able to stand up to my abilities to treat me the way that I would treat them. Well... clearly speaking, (tooting my own horn once again) I keep things consistent. So, it's not necessarily meaning I won't get the same treatment, but the fact that people tend to lose consistency. Even if the love and "forever yours/mine" feelings are there. Let's also add to my list that everyone reaches a point in their life where they become settled in their own funk and really don't want to have to change for anyone else. If companionship is what this is about, I can do companion. Not to mention, everyone needs their space from time to time. I'll even wear the matching rings to make a statement if that will make you feel better, LOL. But why create such a huge rukus just to say a few words, probably pay a shit load of money that, I'm 100% sure, could be put to better use and to sign a couple sheets of paper making promises that aren't kept or even understood?

For those that envy the married life and/or incorporate this into their life goals, can call me ignorant, naive, selfish... whatever. I am more than equipped with enough intelligence to know what it means to get married, be married, or wanting to get/be married. I understand the vows and the union. I even know the history behind the ceremony and what symbolizes and conjoins the bond between the 2 people. The laws... according to the Bible, that which are hardly ever being followed in this day and age. For starters, try reading http://www.fmh-child.org/NoMarriage.html So, with that being said, it's kind of hard to preach your faith in God and "keep God first" when that is the part that brings it all together. A God given privelege that somehow has been incorporated within a company (the United States) that basically holds rights over you and your partners heads anyway. Where is the love in that?

It's all really endearing and sweet but I don't feel that I could formulate the trust worth putting into another person to perform this little ritual dance that supposedly combines two people in such a "supernatural" way. Whose to say that they feel the absolute same exact way? Because if a marriage ends in divorce, somebody was never on the same page in the first place. Even if it's 20 years down the road. I've quoted in a previous post before, "people don't change, they just become more of who they really are." SO... tell me when do you really know when you are done growing? People grow apart, begin to want different things, have different outlooks. It's only because of marriage that I/anybody would have to make extreme considerations just to include the next person's thoughts/comments/concerns/opinions. The relevance of this is I don't feel like adjusting/conforming to a person over such a great time span. Tied to a person because that is what you are "suppose" to do. I'm tied to my kids, I think that's enough. Adjusting to a whole other person who has their own set of opinions and funky ways that they have settled in... I think I would rather do without.

I met the cutest couple ever, on my job. Well in their 80's, from Texas, and have been together for close to 2 decades. They are so into one another and you can tell by small joking passes between the two that they have a very healthy sex-life. lol They go out, have drinks, travel and do all sorts of things. And get this... they aren't married!! They are very happy with the way their lives are going too. She has her own home and he has his own home. How they go back and forth between who stays where, I have no idea but they emphasized the fact that they can still hold strong to their independence, their "own", and aren't "technically" binded to one another. I get it!! I like them!! LOL!! And it has absolutely nothing to do with their ages. Getting married would only complicate their status, Hell! Their entire lives. Everything that they have worked hard to build on their own. Their very own foundation for themselves and their family. No debates of who gets what when I'm gone. NO "because I have this, you have to have it too's", or "because my name is on this, your name has to be on it too". Marriage helps to gain in certain situations and deprive in others. And once all is said and done, you're still struggling to keep a whole other person intertwined with every little single thing that goes on in your life. Even after you are dead. That's if your marriage even lasts that long. Whew! Now I'm tired.

People think they lose their freedom once they have kids... shiiiittt, you lose your freedom with anything that ties you to another being. People incorporate marriage on their to-do list because they are at a point where they feel they have done everything but that. As if it's a simple country you just so happened to decide to visit. Then, you have kids, work some more, and go see your maker. I want to spend the rest of my life exploring every possiblity of what's counted as "an experience". Married life is not an experience, it's just a name that brings boyfriend and girlfriend into unison. I want to be free of the "conformity", having to answer to people and making other's happy before myself. My kids complete that part of me. It's good to share laughs and giggles and shit with another human being, but I don't feel it necessary to have to be bonded to them in order to share these experiences. If friends can do it, then so can lovers. A big ceremony is not necessary to show my appreciation to my bestie, so why should I have to lawfully take someone to show my love and appreciation for them? Just call me MRS. FreeSpirit. I'm creating my own laws.

And until next time bloggers... I don't

I Know You Are A Good Father, BUT...

YES!!! There is a "BUT"!

I and the "pending" was watching some horribly formulated sitcom, we just so happened to stumble upon on Netflix. However, the comedy incorporated in the scripts are hilarious. The name of the show was "Raising Hope". In this particular episode, the family (the son who is Dad and his mom and dad who are the grandparents to Hope) was given this bright idea that they needed to create a Will for Hope in case one or all of them die suddenly. In other words, who would take care of Hope?

NOW... Let me give you the scoop on my background. I learned at a very young age: think before I speak and to also forewarn people ahead of time, if they do not want my honest opinion, don't ask. Of course, there are plenty of people in this world that still disregard my messages and never take my awesome advice. This leaves me the room to NOT have to say, "I told you so" or "you shouldn't have asked if you didn't want the truth". I'm usually always right. I just try not to rub it in people faces ;)

TO THE POINT... "Pending" ask's me, "if you were to die, would you consider giving Blessing to me?" LMAO!! (on the inside) along with a quirky looking face (I kinda felt the way my face muscles intertwined) given off. 5 years together? He already knew what that answer was and I didn't even have to open my mouth. The question had already went in my brain and nestled in for safety and comfort, to never be transformed into an answer or released. SO, the master plan was to not respond and to continue eating my little snack pak (chocolate pudding! I'm trying to quit smoking. lol Don't judge me) But of course, like your average "normal" being, they insist on an answer on top of the conjured up "defense mode". My response was, "you can't do what I do." Maybe I could have came up with a better answer than what was given but that is my point for forewarning to not ask me a question you don't want an answer to. I don't know how to sugar-coat shit. OR you could say this was my sugar-coat but as you can see, that didn't come out too well. And with that being said, he had this look on his face... a "taken back" look like, I can't believe you just said that. So, I felt like that was my que to just shut up. I did my part and answered the damn question, you would think. Nope! It goes on...

Him: "You are making it seem like I'm not a good father and I don't do what I'm suppose to do."

Me: "I never said that."

Him: "How do you figure I can't do what you do... then it went something along the lines of calling out things parenting consist of ... so you are saying I'm a bad father?

Me: "I never said that. You are a good father BUT, are you a good mother?."

Him: "Well, damn..."

Me: Explanation goes along the lines of explaining how "mothering" is a lot deeper than what is seen on the surface and me ending my conversation with, "I would happily leave my child with your mother."

OK, there is no need for me to ask if I was wrong for giving the answer that I had given. I'm never taking it back. Had I felt that he had an ounce of maternal instincts or could kick into gear with his feminine side without hesitation or feeling the least bit ashamed, then I would happily ordain him the sole guardian of our daughter. I worry more about my son. Only because his case is rather different, however, I've never thought twice as to where my daughter would be. I don't worry about her because she is a "survivor", like me. Straight up "beast mode". She fear's nothing and she make due with what she has. NOTE: only a mother would see these qualities in her child at such a young age. I don't knock any single father's raising their little girl. It's no different than a single mother raising her son. But at any given rate, there comes a point where you have to be in touch with your transgender role in order to make this thing work. In my 28 years, I haven't seen too many men (boyfriends, Dads, Uncles, brothers) who are ready and willing to go in the store and buy pads or tampons, bras, undies, contraceptives, hair barrets/supplies/perms, make up, polish. See the picture here? Not saying that they don't exist because for your information, so that I don't seem so biased, MY DAD bought me my first training bra.

My Worriation... comes into play when shit gets shitty, how fast can you process what needs to be done? What type of "thinker" are you? Are you smarter than a fifth grader? No. Seriously!! I mean, if you have no other means of support, backbone, female friends... what the hell would you do? Even generally speaking, no specifics of a particular sex, would you be capable of matching up to my Super Hero abilities? YES! I am claiming that one. What do you do when there is no hot water? No electricity? A scarcity of food in the fridge? Blood on the sheets? How do you teach a little girl how to put on a pad? How to insert a tampon? Good hygiene? How to battle yeast infections? First fight? First ass-whoopings? First love? How would you cope with a child who still wets the bed? Picky eaters? What do you do when you are not feeling up to par? When life is kicking your ass and you feel like you have no motivation left in you? What do you do when your friends are out here having the time of their lives due to their lack of responsibility and you are stuck with responsibility? Do you pawn your child off so that you can feel free once again? Or, do you suck it up and take your bitter with the sweet as we "natural" mother's do? To incorporate all of this in a nutshell, do you feel that you could be the "real" character that which Will Smith played in, The Pursuit of Happiness? Do you even know what goes on when I lay in the bed with them at night? Are you willing to offer your hand for them to hold until they fall asleep? Are you willing to watch Yo Gabba Gabba, So Random, The Upside Down Show and listen to dreams of being apart of Mindless Behavior's dance group? Can you offer compassion and solace in their time of need? How much time are you willing to sacrifice? Dates? Aspirations? Careers? Money?

Think Fast!!! If it take's longer than 5 minutes for you to process some shit, then it is not a good idea for the child's life to be left in your hands. If your first response to a situation is to run to your mom, close friend girl/girlfriend, or your best friend... you can still presume the same; unfit. You have to be able to think on your feet within a split second. Within that same split second that it would take you to switch out your weapons on XBox's Call of Duty. The same split second it would take for you to respond to your boy in distress. The same split second it would take you to pick out the new boots by Ralph Lauren. There is no sum up for this post. I stated my facts and I'm sticking with them. But now that the thought has been brought to my attention, I really need to get in order where my "after lives" would be after my life has ended.

Until next time bloggers... where there's a will, there's a way?

The Domino Effect

"Cause": something that makes something else happen. To determine the cause: ask "Why Did it Happen?"

"Effect": what happens as a result of the cause. To determine the effect: ask "What Happened?"

Here it is, only a few days later, and I'm still on my 2012 rampage. Soul-searching much and coming up with new editions to add to Project:Work Overload. This is taking much meditation practice and wu-saa moments, especially for me. In the mist of my progression, of course, it is only right to analyze my love-life, right? 2011 started out on the worst foot possible, but I lived, learned and conquered. I say all of that to say this, back in June when I originally started blogging, my posts consisted of me finding myself after this devastating-send-me-to-hell-break-up, adapting to the single life, and coming to terms with my meeting of the "real" person who I thought I knew for 4 and a half years, guess we could add a few bullets containing drama and maybe a small fine print notion about the fact that some people just can't live without one another... OR are too lazy to try. Feel free to backtrack to "the beginning" if you like. I was in a bad place.

Anywho, shout outs to my inspirational muse ;) (he knows who he is) for the inspiration behind my madness (LMAO! so Random). Meantime while in the process of being inspired, I started thinking to myself that I needed to backtrack within this relationship. If my plan is to be happy, then I need to be happy all over. My "pending" and I ended up together under copulating circumstances LOL! and we had been together ever since. Let me explain!! lol It was definitely not intentional... the togetherness, I mean. The sex was intentional. *smh* I can't deny that we mesh well and get along better than the best of besties... at times. It was like this come start of "night 1" lol. Well, duuuuhhh. Thing of it is, it just continued. However, everyone has their flaws and disagree at some point, if not all points. Further into our future, after the guaranteed officialness, is where I learned that women definitely mature faster than men and that it is really easy to become wrapped up in someone and to lose sight of yourself and everyone else around you. This is where the disagreements began. But to make a long story short, we kissed and made up, BUT I'm not satisfied with just this on top of a puney inch of animosity due to the way things ended. Just horrible I tell you!

OK, make sure you keep up, because we are about to set the pieces back up to this "Domino Effect". Stepping into 2012 and realizing I want more for myself than I have ever imagined before (yes! my ass is on a high horse right now) I also decided to put a dent in this "pending" relationship. I wanted to test the waters. As if the relationship hadn't already been tested, but that's like your basic bullshit. There's a difference in there somewhere. When I figure it out, I'll let you know, lol. I'm zoned in my focal point right now though. SO... Point is!!... I am no longer afraid of being alone or fear the embaressment behind not being with my second child's father. In other words, I don't have time for bullshit and some things just need to be got over, and plus I have other more important things that I am trying to get done. It would be nice to have the "norm" get your shit together, grow up, get married, and have kids, timeline. But, as you can see, I'm way off that road to success but successful, I can still be! LOL! Damn this bitch is bad! Get like me...

Moving along, I brought up removing the sex out of our relationship. Yes, I was sober. Conversation went rather well, too. My first initial thought was to hold out a year. That did seem to be a little farfetched for the mere fact we do have sex on a regular basis and have been for the past 5 years AND sleep together for the most part. Ok, so we narrowed it down to 6 months and then we ended up at 3. We are not having sex for 3 months just as if we had just met (well another couple, not us lol) The reason being... this is what brought us together in the first place. If I remove the first domino that which started the chiming to the effects after pushing that one, I figured we could really find within ourselves what it is that holds us together OR what has kept us together. We have good conversation, he's a great father, amongst other small qualities but that's not enough. There are quite a few grey areas that need major maintenance. I don't deny that I'm flawed too. But I'm looking forward to a more grown-up lifestyle.... since I'm about to be grown-up and all, lol. 30... smh. It's not that I need "more", I need "different."

He asked where was this coming from. Who wouldn't? Questioned my fidelity. lol. Who wouldn't? He asked why. Who wouldn't? Me: I know there has to be more to us than just living a basic day to day life and coming up with new ways to bring excitment to the bedroom. The creativity aspect is really fun. Who knew that sex would still be great every time, even after 5 years? I guess I'm broadening my horizons, finding other hobbies (blogging) lol. But, a regular routine consists of going to work, I come home and do my chores at the house and with the kids. He may come over or he may hang out with his boys, play his Xbox, go to the club... see the picture here? It means I need to get my groove back. Feeling bound to my duties and responsibilities for him aren't actually necessities or mandatory. You see, here we are, getting lost again. He has his life and I need mine. In this particular set of click-clacks, referencing back to the "domino effect", I can say that we were probably in year 3, after our daughter was born and then somehow, my "wife" instincts kicked in. I was playing "house" with the same man/little boy that I had met 3 years ago. No growth (on his behalf), no moving forward... just a baby. I definitely have to pick my pieces up here. Without a doubt, I devote myself and time to my babies, however "momma, gotta have a life too" *in Juanita's voice from Baby Boy* I think I need to get rid of that movie (random)

Now, if you lost me along the way, feel free to leave your questions in the comment box below. But to sum things up, Domino Effect: a chain reaction that occurs when a small change causes a similar change nearby, which then will cause another similar change, and so on in linear sequence, courtesy of Wikipedia ;) So within my effects and occuring changes, instead of my dominoes falling into the right ordinance, they kind of went lope-sided. If improvement is what one craves and like me, you hate the feeling of defeat... then we must pick up the pieces and start over again. Within my linear equation of dominoes, I will be removing some pieces and maybe adding editional ones. This gives me the option to choose which track I would like to stay on. If one domino just doesn't stand well between the others, then I have to make my permanent fixation and kindly pluck his little ass to the "layout" pile, (domino terminology, courtesy of google) ;) LMAO!! And it's back to the "boneyard" I go, to insert new.

Personally, I think I'm off to a good start!

Until next time bloggers... Domino!!!

I Only Want to Marry You Because You Want to Marry Me

Maybe I haven't done enough reading or either my blogroll is somewhat lacking of more "Blog-A-Licious" blogs, but I haven't heard any type up of uproar being had about Chrissy and Jim's latest proposal. At least not in the fashion of Kim and whatshisname. Maybe the show isn't all that popular. Maybe the uproar was had on FB or Twitter, but I don't belong to either of them and I know I'm late but whatever. I felt like writing and these 2 people came to mind.

So if you have been following the Love and Hip Hop episodes, you would have known that last season, Chrissy asked Jim Jones to marry her. I commend her on her big ass balls. She's a headstrong woman that knows exactly what she wants and stops at nothing to get it. She's a naturally pretty lady and she goes all out for "her Jimmy". I, too, have been to that point in my life where I was willing to ask the guy to marry me. Welp... balls shribble up and feelings change. So moving right along... Jim's response was, "I'm wit'choo." Whatever the fuck that means. So, this season, it was such an issue (with Chrissy) that he, in return, had not gotten her a ring or even began to make an effort to make plans to move forward with arrangements for the wedding. *smh* While all along, Chrissy's frustration (with Jim) leads her in a rage, soul-searching, and not realizing that she is fucking up a whole heap of shit within his circle from his manager, to his mom, to the "click-ships"! Well maybe the mom is a different story. Let's not forget that he lost his ring, too. But the way I was seeing it, it seems as if the main complication was due to the fact that he hadn't gotten her a ring. ?? I didn't know there was a ring swap before the wedding, but then again I'm not rich. So maybe that's their thing. Oh my bad!! I guess I wasn't suppose to call her out on her faults, either. But common sense, clear eyes and a sound mind tell's us clearly what the situation is. But that's not the point. I had to tell you the story first to get you up to date.

Well, "her Jimmy", snatches her up from her trip to (I guess) prove his commitment and in turn bought her a ring. OMG! *rolls eyes* yes the first initial sight of it is really endearing, although the ring is whipped out in the middle of an argument... but let's dissect this situation here. Fight me if you like, but I don't really see the "in love" in this situation. I see buddies and comfortability which is still healthy for a relationship, might I add. But in all actuality, it seems like a tit for tat situation to me. MY THOUGHT PROCESS (for Jim): "I only want to marry you because you want to marry me. AND because you want to marry me and is around here causing headaches for everybody, lemme shut you up and give you what you want." I have yet to see the commerical for the up and coming episodes where a wedding actually takes place. Or maybe they just gon' keep it gangsta and hit up the Justice of the Peace. Who knows. But what I do know is, I don't see stability within a marital relationship. There is no doubt in my mind that the love is there. But I'm wondering what's the whole purpose of the paper? What does it say? If you have already been together for 7 years, what exactly is "marriage" suppose to change other than your last name and the fact that you may get half if it came down to divorce?

I use to have my thoughts on marriage mapped out: What it was suppose to mean. How life was suppose to be. The urges you get when you see one another and how long it's suppose to last. How the sex will only get better and everyone is one big happy family. I can't live without you's and you can't live without me's. Together we are one. This is our bond. *yawns* I think it's my age kicking in again, lol.

Let's not "just settle" for 2012. Let's go beyond and claim whatever it is that we really, really want. I'm feeling like Jim had her there as long as he did for a reason. In other words, "choosing not to settle". Was he really believing that he could have possibly been able to get a more submissive woman? Do you really want to blame it on the fact that he is consumed by his work? Because he's out here chasing his dreams? Is she not apart of his dreams? How is it that the woman can include HIM in her everyday lifestyle AND DREAMS but the man needs to focus on one thing at a time? Sounds to me like the woman has a bigger dick than the man does... hmmmm... I think that's my next post title (random) Anywho, am I making some sense here?

If we were to put this in a real life scenario and not a "made for TV" type situation, who do you think would win? I can understand situations arising that could prevent or hold off a wedding date, such as finances, but we are dealing with nothing of the matter. Would you really consider waiting that long in an engagement? Would you consider waiting that long in just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, if marriage had always been your main goal? Chrissy kept it "G" with her proposal. I liked how she set it up. She did her thing! But where the union lacks is, why say "yes" or "I'm wit'choo" if your answer is really "no" or "I'm not ready"? Proposals can be really pressure-filled if you are being put under the spotlight in front of shit loads of people, HOWEVER, it would be the grown-up thing to not vow or commit yourself to something that you know you are really not ready for. Yes, Jim speaks his love for her in his confessionals. It's cute and so what. I thought that Chrissy would settle for less bullshit from him, than what she has put up with within this past year since she bust her ballzy move. She said she wasn't going to talk about it and she was trying to give him time to grow (as if he needed any extra time) FUCK THAT!! I want to talk about it! Because either you are wit' me or you ain't! Simple shit! Common sense shit! And because the engagement lacked communication, she in turns go crazy on everybody else. *shrugs* Holding shit in and letting it build up is the cause of this. I'm victim to it. And if talking isn't enough, then kick rocks because she could have easily waited another 7 years to have kicked out her couple hundred thou on someone else who was really worthy of it and more appreciative.

I understand that Jim is an emotionally unavailable man, at all times. I've been with plenty types like him. But there comes a time when that emotional unavailability can really kill your dreams forth-coming or even the people around you. HE almost lost out. I just hope that within his thought process on his trip to Miami, that he indeed was giving his ring for the right reasons and not just because she wanted to marry him or because that's what she was asking for. Any proposal I feel would be worth waiting for, would have me fucking elated. BUT, it's them getting married, not me. I can also forewarn you that there will be no blog posts about any weddings containing me in it. Awwww :( Maybe I need to get like Chrissy.

So, until next bloggers... I only write because you want me to lol *kisses*

When Grind Mode Sets In...

It's the start of 2012 and everyone is on the rampage with these New Year Resolutions. I feel it's time for me to get my shit in order as well. I'm a notch away from 30 and nowhere near where I need to be and no sense of direction as to where I'm going. I'm feeling like it may be a little too late in the game to be hitting rush hour traffic. But my "Grind Mode" says otherwise OR maybe it's this BIG 3-0 that keeps slapping the shit out of me. Thinking back to age 20, I don't even think I gave age 30 a second thought. Hell! A first thought, lol. I knew I was going to be somewhere but didn't think that it would be here... writing to you. But the issue doesn't fall there because I'm in love with the words that flow across this screen... ha, ha, and YOU, of course!!

First off, let's just clarify the fact that I am content with my life. Hmmmm.... content?! Not enough for me. I want to be fucking ecstatic while loathing in comfortability. Sometimes I think to myself that it's ashame how I can brainstorm some shit, know exactly what to do and how to get it but it never gets done. Then, after my time has passed that which I assigned to myself, I think back believing that maybe that wasn't the plan for me anyway. In which, apparently it couldn't have been because it never happened. "Follow your passion Candi! Follow your heart." Whatever. Let's think realistic stocks and bonds and shit. I got the motivation. Always had it. I'm just a hard-head ass procrastinater. I'm simple. I like simple shit. But I think I need a taste of some complexity. So I vowed to be on my "hustle" game in this new year. After all, this is the year the world is suppose to end, right? lol So let's go out with a bang. Yes! Work overload. I needs that in my life. Big changes! Stability within myself and my household, all whilest setting GREAT examples for my seeds.

You never understand the real-ness behind those birthday decorations that announce the ages and come up with those silly slogans such as "over the hill" until you start hitting those numbers. 30! 40! 50! Oh man, what the fuck have I been doing with my life? Come to find out, life really wasn't that simple. As a matter of fact, the bitch really did pass us by just like mom always said it would. And we create resolutions to fulfill a need of resolve. Issues that may have been lingering for days, months or even years. So we put our faith into the refreshing feeling of the newness. A fresh start. Each year means something. Each year introduces something: a hurdle to be jumped, a mission completed, surprises prevailed. Who knows. It's all in what you make it, so you have to make it a good one. And honestly, how many people do we know stick to the game plan throughout the entire year? I can call my first fault, already. I was suppose to work on my potty mouth, however we all know that bullshit plan was shot all to hell. LOL! But you see, that's not the most important factor anyway, so we'll just continue to focus on making this money.

In the meantime, I have a duty to fulfill. I'm not lacking an ounce of anything right now but sanity. If you are a faithful reader, I'm sure you've skimmed the phrase of me reciting, "I hold strong to my faith." Indeed I do, however I let life take over which means I neglect myself, which ALSO mean, I'm not multi-tasking enough. SO, while I'm all caught up in the mix and mastering everyone else's happiness, I need to include me in there somewhere whether it's a candybar or a pair of earrings... for ME! ( I would like to give myself a pat on the back because I've already put this one to the test)I base my kids happiness on a materialistic scale. I'll admit, it's a busted ass move! I own that one. I make my family happy on a "yes man" scale. Or more like, ask me a question and my answer's "OK". Then I'm happy once my duties are complete. Only because I finally get to sit down somewhere... or do I? Could someone speculate this paragraph and tell me where I went wrong? lol. It's a new year, so it's very important for me to call my own flaws. I'm indeed your SuperWoman, but there is no pleasure behind this strength or the fact that I've saved over a thousand lives. I want to save the lives and go back to my secret hideout knowing that the mission was complete in the fashion I had strived for. Not that the mission was complete due to the fact I just so happened to have lucked up.

Sure, my list probably completes both front and back pages of a random loose-leaf sheet of paper, but the best part holds true that it doesn't all have to be done today. I've given myself 4 projects this year: getting my certification, going back to school, showing up at every birthday party with a gift in hand (lol, yes. I'm dead ass serious) and getting my thoughts together for my book I want to write (note that I said, "getting my thoughts together." lol) All others entail me freeing up mind space: a cleaner soul, a cleaner home, a cleaner life. No time for procrastination and to make room for stricter financial ordinance, anger management, self-esteem building and to upgrade my parenting skills. My list requires a lot of thinking and processing before acting but I think I can manage. I do have a whole year, you know?! Maybe, at this time next year, I'll be going over all of my goals that which I achieved. And, then, mapping out my new resolutions to just relax.

Until next time bloggers... Happy New Year...