I Have No Panties On

Ladies, I know that there comes a time when we get ourselves into little predicaments (clothing) that we can't get out of or have to stick less of ourselves (under garments) in. It is up to us ladies to understand our bodies, the shapes that which we were given, and how to maintain a stellar appearance from inside to out. Fellas, if floppy booties or stanky cooties float your boat... that's fabulous. But let's just try to save that for behind the scenes. Every woman should present themselves in an elegant manor rather than looking, OR SMELLING, disgusting.

Rule #1

Before you walk out the door in your catsuit, mini dress/skirt, bathing suit or even a simple maxi dress... try to take a quick snap shot of your ass OR if you can't reach back that far or your mirror is not placed in a good place in order for you to get a good look at the rearview, have someone else to do it. Yes!! I am serious. And even though I have a small frame, I still perform the ass check. It's mandatory. If your cellulitis is bulging through your tights, that is considered a wardrobe malfunction and you may need to rethink this whole ensemble. It's really unpleasant to draw a crowd's attention due to the fact that your ass won't stay in one place. Yes, honey, everyone is staring at you, and it's not because your outfit is cute or because you think, "they're just hating".

Rule #2

There are specially made undergarments for different shapes, sizes, and, believe it or not, to hold things in the proper place . There are girdles, body magic, boy shorts, thongs, seamless panties, bikini style, classic (granny panties), etc. Pay attention to your under garment wardrobe ladies, they give you choices for a reason. Make sure you are purchasing the right sizes. You do not want to walk around with a bulging booty. That means your underwear are too small and it can possibly even seem like you have a wedgie, eewwwwww, or even a rack of cleavage coming from your ass. Same thing goes for thongs, the thong line is not cute either. If it makes it seem like you have 2 sets of hips or that your ass cheeks could possibly fall off with the next step... yes ma'am! too small.

Rule #3

Please be aware of your hygeine. This should have been rule #1, but the truth of the matter is that your body shape has partial to do with your body odor as well. So, we're in the right spot. Pussy odor travels faster than a fart and is a scent that is very easy to trace. It's not good to be dancing in the club and before you know it, your pussy just smacked the shit out of everybody that was on the dancefloor behind you. We, women, have been accomodated with "coochie" wipes, "coochie" perfumes, "coochie" flush (douche)... USE THEM!! Purchasing these items does not mean that you have hygeine issues. It means that you like your pussy clean, and what's wrong with that? The pussy has it's own lineup of products that helps to keep her in line and to maintain her awesomeness. If those things don't work, you may need to go to the clinic a more extensive route.

Rule #4

Everyone does not have to know that you do not have on undies. Stand up straight, back arched, and legs closed. It's ok not to sit down because your dress is too short. This means wear a shoe that is more comfortable for long standing periods. If you do sit down, please keep your legs closed. Wear tampons or panty liners accordingly. I would not suggest wearing the shortest dress in your closet when you know that your blood cells are flowing from your hidden valley like a free-for-all war. You also, might want to keep dancing to a minimum. It's okay to just stand there and look cute. Just because the song says to lift your leg like you peeing on a fire hydrant, doesn't mean that you have to do it. This is not "Simon Says", no one is winning a prize here. AND OMG!!! if you are one of those women who has the pube hairs that have routine meetings down the inside of your thighs, just shave it off!!

Which brings me to my next rule....

Rule #5

Even though it should be a secret that you decided to go "Commando" this evening... Ladies!! Please shave!!! I know, I know, no one is going to be down there. At least, not where you are going, or maybe they are... whatever. I just want to clarify that I'm here to tell you that hair harbors odors, sweat and crabs. Imagine how many pussies rubbed against that chair before you sat your ass in it? Not only that, but, I think it would be a bad look for you to be rocking the type of spandex that are kind of thin and then once you get in the light, you're exposed... Yea!! those kind. (and for the record, tights are not the same thing as leggings) You don't want to look like you have a porcupine on your crotch area. Include swimwear here, as well. And let's not forget to think about safety, too, because we definitely don't need any of our hair, from the most sensitive portion of our bodies, getting caught in zippers. Damn!! That's bad for business.

Alrite ladies, I think that's enough ass and pussy schooling for one day. Now that we got our girls chopped up and "aromatherapeutic-like" (another one of my many vocabs, lol), we're ready to start our day!! Or at least we know how to prepare oursleves better, for tonight.

Until next time bloggers...