My Baby Is Better Than Your Baby

I know that this will probably be breaking the "maternal code", but let's be realistic about all things here; everybody's baby is not cute! And that's just getting straight to the point. No... I admit, it is not very motherly of me to talk about how ugly someone's baby may be, BUT I just have this pet peeve with new parents. Some things you just don't do... and that is shoving your new baby in everyone's face to admire, becoming "Einsteins" overnight because you read all of the books, and just being flat out dramatic about every single thing. For example: "I was just devastated, Lil Johnny pooped everywhere!!" Well... that's what babies do. To be honest, nobody outside of your immediate family really gives a fuck about the fact that you just had a baby or how you have been blogging about Lil' Johnny's every waking minute. Maybe it would be good for your keepsake but not the entire blog world. You wasn't the first and you won't be the last and plus I've already given birth, so I know what babies look like; before and after. And if there is anything special about the fact that you had a baby, it's probably because his/her's head is the size of a friggin watermelon.... ok, maybe that was mean... but really, people!

It's a girl!! It's a boy!! Well whoop-d-doo, you get a standing ovation! But let's be clear about where... in the privacy of your delivery room. Having a baby is a very joyous event and makes out to be a wonderful occassion for close family and friends to get together and celebrate a new creation/edition/person being born into the family. This is great! And trust when I say that I am definitely no dreamsnatcher, I have 2 of my very own. Everyone is proud of their miracle. But I have to lay down the law for new parents because not everyone swoons over newborns the way that you are swooning over your own. It's one thing for someone to come and ask, "can I see your baby" or "can I hold your baby". Here, we can discuss a different plan of action; but in all honesty, you and I both know that you really don't want anyone holding your baby in the first place. What really happened, here, is you turned into an attention whore. "Look at what I did". And since no one else is saying anything, I would like to be the first to break the news that no one gives a fuck. You do not get a gold metal for "awesome-est uterus ever".

My dear readers, you guys know me by now. LOL!! Or maybe not. I understand that I have a tendency to be so random from time to time. But I have to let you know, yes, this post derived from a display of events. And in all of my 29 years, I swear I had never seen anything like it. You see, the normal thing for people, like me, to do is to keep our babies covered with like, 10 blankets. They are wrapped in one, another is placed lightly over them in the car seat and then you have the "throw" that is lightly placed over the handle of the carseat. No, it does not matter that the heat index is at a 105 degrees today! What matters is that you do not spit your "goo-goo's" and "ga-ga's" on my damn baby. Do not touch them. Fuck it, just don't look at my baby!! I'm also limited to whose homes and certain locations to attend when I am accompanied by my babies. BUT, that's me and more than a few others that I know; however, these people that I am referring to, follows everyone around with their big head baby as if it's really something to show off. This child is only a few months old and does absolutely nothing spectacular besides the usual, blowing spit bubbles and laughing. "How cute"... ok... not really, but I guess that is what you are suppose to say. For one, I see a lot of things wrong with the picture. The child has never attempted to crawl around on his own, walk, be sat in a walker or any type of a swing. I'm a little confused by this "show off" stage. If you ask me, he is well on his way to being borderline "slow" because at this age, brain development is essential. But I guess new parents wouldn't know that.... or do they? After all, that should be in the books, right?

I'll send you a picture with the quickness. But the truth of the matter behind the whole situation?... "it's alrite that you can't make it to see my baby..." one less breath I have to worry about breathing on them. My philosphy is, "the key to raising a child is encouraging independence and assisting with emotional balance." And to keep their asses AWAY from germs.

Until next time bloggers... don't be a boob newb