A Very Vulnerable Candi

Here, I stand, today on edge about the many things that have the tendencies to pound my brain. I was sucker punched the other night by the very gay, Dave Tutera (whom I absolutely love) at about 2 in the morning, fixating a wedding dress onto some lucky bitch. And, as I peeked through my 1 woke eye, they began to wail up with water. Who would have thunk it!!?? Well... I know what I was thinking, but I didn't think that it would get the better of me at such an awkward and weird time of night, or at all. Who wakes up to overflowing tears at such an odd hour because of a friggin wedding? ON TV!!? What does this mean? Because, being as though, I say that I'm trying to conquer these trust issues of mine, I still am a little confused as to my purpose for "why?". Am I working on these issues because I want to, one day, walk down the aisle? Or am I working on these issues for the betterment of myself and the people around me? Not that I feel like my issues get in the way of my many, many relationships, generally speaking. (and if you don't know me by now, you would know that I was just being overly facetious)

In a state of vulnerability, I come to you... I inhale deep and breathe out...

Trust, Loyalty and Respect is what I want. No, one, person can define love. One word that is suppose to contain all of these million and one emotions. But yet everyone wants it, needs it and just have to have it. I guess a drug with the effects at this magnitude would be a considerable "fix" to accomodate the void from withdrawals. But what does it mean? Just give me what I ask for! I seperated emotions and designate each ones name. And if that isn't making things simple enough, then what would? I give you my "word". You "show" me what it means. Common sense? To emulate the version of treatment that which you would like placed upon yourself. If you haven't a clue as to what I'm referencing, then you can't give me what I need, what I want, or even come close. And we shall leave well enough alone. I could summarize with, "treat me as you want to be treated", but being as though no 2 people are alike or share the same likes/dislikes or appreciate the same things which makes up for a 2 peas in different pods; I lay out, flat, to you my every desire to feel at peace within the hands of someone else. I want the things that connects me to "definiteness". No fates. No worries. No fear. No pain. Relief.... I want RELIEF! Tied into his nervous system, where my feelings are his feelings and together, our blood flows to one heart. I want to feel the "completely", the "infinite", the "die without you's". I need to feel what an "understanding" feels like. Because time... has failed me, I allocated myself to myself. Population 0. Weak from the emptiness, because all that I want is trust, loyalty, and respect. And because it seems a bit greedy when your hand's held out, so I turn in... I breathe deep... and I breathe out...