Sleeping With The Enemy

In all of my 29 years, I have been sleeping with the enemy. I allowed things to get extremely out of control and contorted. There is no law against my scrambling thought processes, but something tells me that there should be. I keep thinking that I'm continuously apprehending myself within these failing relationships and becoming a self mutilator with my horrible choices in judgement of character. Passing out too many benefits of the doubts. Once we hit the end, I'm secluded in yet another dark hole where I'm trying to find my way to understanding what the hell could I have done wrong this time around? So am I suppose to start out spiteful towards new prospects that could possibly be my future husband (NOTATE: possibly, but more than likely never) or should I just continue to let my guards down and prepare to die once again. Yes! It's just that serious. I thought that if you give respect, you get respect in return. Or that you treat people the way you would like to be treated. Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours? All or nothing? You never know how cruel people really are until you are left looking stuck repeating the words, "but I thought you loved me? It's me!!! Don't you recognize me?" You don't do that to the people that you love... or at all. Then again, maybe that's just me. I love different. And the same way that the meaning of marriage has become extinct, I'm starting to believe that there is no hope for this play-play word that people keep throwing around. Love? Bah-humbug!! I don't know what it means anymore and I don't think I really care to find out at this point.

I don't need a man to validate me and I'm not sure what I am missing. I came to work this morning high on coffee and rummaging through my filing cabinet of thoughts like an insane person. I instantly became fed up with myself as if there was something to really find, and I know it's right there but I can't put my hands on it. "Who are you?" And why, at the time of pure bliss when in love, does no one just duck and run for safety? It's addicting! And dumb-dumbs like me keep going back for more. That is AFTER getting brutally murdered for having a carefree spirit and the ability to love hard or go home. I guess you can say that I set myself up for my trust issue dilemma, however, I'm still in a rat race to prove that no one will ever love as hard as I do. I don't want to always be right. Prove me wrong and I will truly be happy with those results. I wish that I could say I have had at least one relationship where I was genuinely happy or treated with the utmost respect. LOL, now, that sounds like a boat load of shit!! Honestly, I don't even think that it is possible. Not on my watch, anyway.

When you leave things on the floor and continuously walk around them, it begins to create clutter until you can't maneuver any more. I am a hoarder. I hoard my thoughts/emotions and whatever else that puts me in a state of vulnerability. Easier to write about it, then to say it and so we are here... Sense So Common. I don't deal with my emotional problems head on. I feel that there is no need, because if shit is already in Stage: Bullshit, then I'm helpless and everything is pretty much out of my hands anyway. I'm so use to disappointments that nothing phases me anymore. It is impossible to avoid a brick wall that you are already on the road heading straight for in full speed, y'know? My expectations are of NO special standard and me ever loving again is a very unattractive thought. From being cheated on to being verbally and emotionally abused, to being straight up non-existant in the eye of the beholder (lol), used up, lied to, lied on, pissed on, shitted on (not literally. for my slow slang learners)... What else you got? Place a check mark beside that one too. And for those that know me really well, this is where the evil Candi (that so many people like to bring up) comes back to life. Retaliating and vengeful thoughts whirlwind like tornadoes and hurricanes. But I'm not so sure what to do with that or how to handle it, so I stay out of sight. I'm not even sure what that means because I am not the vengeful type. I try to consume myself with work, kids and the homefront because I don't have practice on dealing with the problem. I admit, my thought process can take me on a most awesome roller-coaster ride which leaves me hurling at the end. But after vomiting so many times, why continue to wait in line for the next go-round?

I'll continue to pick up my guts and insides that got hung on picket fences and drug along the streets, and try to peice them together as best I can. I don't have a clean up crew for this one so I'm pretty much on my own, in which I have always been. I always wondered how the hell could people get so far in and end up being left at the alter? Stressing over dates, times and venues when it was only a distraction to get you off their back so they can bail out on your ass without all the extra. I laugh at myself for getting caught up in those fairytale dreams. Making sure that the love of my life was happier than I. I thought if I gave you everything that you wanted, we would be okay. Notice that I didn't say "great", I said we would be OKAY. Is that even acceptable? I'm still trying to remember who I am and where I came from. My memory seems to be a little cloudy and my tear ducts are currently out of order and have been for a while now. They work kinda like a fart. You feel like you got to, but it just won't come out. What better way could I have put it? I should be swimming and drowning myself in all of my glories with these exciting new things happening in my life. I am happier than I have ever been before. So tell me why does my nest feel so empty? I am every bit of how the saying goes. And although I use it quite often, I guess it just hit me that I really am my own worst enemy. It's even worst when you realize that you can't just hop out of the bed with this one. There is no running away from yourself. And it would be really retarded to actually try to analyze your past filled with people that YOU invited into YOUR heart only to have it kicked and detroyed. Did I paint a pretty picture for you? I think I'm done for today.

Until next time bloggers...