Can you see me now?

Just ending a relationship is devastating. Being around happy couples is even more devastating. I had the envious pleasure of being around a friend-girl of mine and her new (now official) boo, and I was really impressed. They got hella history! Good times and horrible-make-you-wanna-puke-in-your-mouth times over a course of 7 years. No front... I saw the love, passion, intense chemistry, the motivation and drive between them two. They had conversation. They had jokes. She's picked up a little weight and he met, played with and loved every new roll on her body. No "where are you going", no "whose calling your phone", no awkward moments that I was use to in my past or dark clouds over the house because my friends decided to come hang out at my crib for a change. He wanted to be home.. with her. He didn't mind what was going on as long as everyone was content. Shocking! And she didn't have to ask for the condiments on her sandwich. He knew just what she liked. Amazing shit! Shit that I wanted. A relationship built off of the insignificant. The small things that are so unnoticeable to the average eye but not to the person that puts their soul where yours lie too. The shit that gets your gears greased and going. LOL!! naw.. you don't see me.

I guess you could call me a little old fashioned with a modern day twist. I like to cater to "my man" but, of course, I a firm believer of you give to get/2-way streets/50/50/nothing is for free.. I pay in love. Without it, I am a maid-whore. I do the extra mile shit, serious ass process of elimintation, to numbering, to debates (with myself), to confirmation that can never be confirmed due to the fact I'm limited on acquaintances (my choice)...

The list goes a little something like this: MAYBE IF I...

* quit being lazy and flat iron my hair and not rock the bun so much (before I went natural), then he would be like, "damn, you look good"... today.
* try putting some weave in like the vixens on the videos
* wear make-up more often
* try out some eyelashes
* put on some clothes instead of rocking the sweats so much.
* spray on perfume
* set an appointment for a brazilian, eyebrow wax, toes done...
* make a cd with all of our favorite love rap songs (I love rap music) and plan a romantic freakfest night
* make this big dinner and try to put the kids to bed early (which is virtually impossible with the kind of kids I have)
* tone up the tummy
* massage his back
* help wash him in the shower

uuuuuggghhh, I'm getting fustrated with this list... now, can you see me? Yea! It's a bit much on top of running after kids on days off from work on top of there is absolutely nowhere to go in this boring ass place they call a city on top of he probably wouldn't pay much attention to it anyway... too many other distractions (ie. tired, xbox, FB, friends)

I've always said that I wanted to be with someone that "worshipped" me. not in a literal sense! Didn't mean to scare you. I mean to recognize the essence of my just being here. I always wanted for someone to capture the beauty in even the ugliest of things because thats what creates the memories and weld the bond between you two. I've experienced this once before. Every morning was so unbelievable to him. He would wake up and kiss me and tell me how beautiful I was and how happy he was with me. Everytime he saw me, there was a kool-aid smile like he hadn't seen me in forever. I've caught him watching me sleep. Back rubs, he would listen, he catered. This went on a couple years. Then reality set in and I was forced to notice how people, in my life, have never been consistent. How after the rainbow shows up everyday, it now lacks the entertainment it use to once carry when the radiant colors appeared like magic. It's no longer one of those "wonders of the world". It's more like, I'm use to it, it will be back tomorrow. And this is probably why I keep my social life to a bare minimum. I don't do people too well. Is it suppose to be this way? You win a million bucks only to have it snatched back. I guess, at least, you can say you were rich for a second.

The chemistry I look for in a person must hit me on all pressure points with attraction. Everything about that person has to turn me on and I could never find myself becoming bored with the Christmas gift that I always wanted. "Thanks Santa!!" I would hate to know that after a period, I'm left with "I still see you, but can you see me?" WTF!! And now we are skimming down the to-do list to figure out which one we think would be best. Hell! Let's just try them all and try to keep it up. Which doesn't last long because it's another headache on top of other real life situations that should be more important than you trying to doll yourself up to get some damn attention. Now I want to know, "where the fuck is your to-do list if I'm running around here trying to make my ass look fatter and stock up on pushup bras to accentuate the tits I've never had?" I'm simple, don't ask for much. Just a "thank you" or a compliment would do ok..... Wait a minute... I take that back. I ask that you see under all the bullshit that's not me. Appreciate the shit that I went out and bought for you, to put on me, so that I would come off as slightly appetizing. I just want to enjoy some of the same enjoyments that I place upon my partner. Isn't that like a golden rule or something, "treat people the way you want to be treated." I do that, it doesn't pay off. Soo... you see me now?

Not to sound conceited, but my life consisted of attention that I never cared for from crowds. I only sot out to receive attention from those that I showed attention to. Now, I've had to fight for attention from one person, spend money, or try to look like someone else to get it. I still don't think you see me. As a matter of fact, I think you are seeing someone else LOL!! For some reason, I keep thinking that the shit I dish out is suppose to be dished back to me. Haven't realized that's non exsistant after 28 years and a shit load of turds. Geez! I want to know does it really get old? Why can I hold onto the minor things that makes me spin but my container (which holds my use-to-be ultimate collectables) collects dust on the shelf? Is it suppose to get old? I look forward to the new-new lasting days, making the best of nothing, create-a-meals when you have no food in the fridge, create-a-game when the kids are bored and no one feels like going out or spending money. Just when you think you had it all, they're too tired, not in the mood, or just flat-out not interested.

Next ponder-moment: why is it that you have to try to spunk up your love life. Where did it go? Another lost of interest? You have to force yourself to be spontaneous in order to feel like the love is still there? I don't get it. I feel like on my end, the love, spunk, attraction or whatever never disappeared. I could allow things to die down for maybe a week and that right there is taken it too far. I have to get back in the motion and not because I'm extra horney, but because my partner has to withhold something that makes me want to feel every part of them. Whether it's his eyes on me, his hands, his attention, anything just to feel close. Can you really go for years living like roommates even though the both of you are suppose to share this special kind of sacred relationship that was professed before God? I mean doesn't that stand for something? Isn't the reason why people marry because they just can't get enough of one another and they would rather die than to go on living life without this being affixed in theirs? The enjoyment of one another, the shared endearment towards one another, how the image that the 2 of you portray is the image that other couples look up to and build off of or the image that your kids will mimick when they get older and began to build their own relationships. NOW do you see me?

Think I'm done with the begging and the pleading. I'm sorry but you will not tease me with this 15 minutes of fame and then snatch all of my royalties back like I disobeyed the family rules. It's time to "self help", R.E.H.A.B. me, it's time for a change. I know I look good!! As long as I show myself somem attention, I'm alright! And to be clear, no you weren't suppose to get a pick-me-up off of this article. It's more of an overview before the rehab begins.

I know you see me. Until next time...