To the point... this will be a one in a million type blog to come out and announce that I am no longer in denial and liquor can stay right where the hell it is (in the stores). Have you ever been told that you change into a totally different person when you drink? Have you ever been told, "you are really starting to drink too much?" Have anyone ever said, "slow down?" Yep! and what happens? Your ass either blows off this Hercules attitude (from the strong-man juice) or you drink faster and sloppier because you feel like you have a point to prove. I admit! Yeah that was me. I guess I am getting older and more worried about the appearance that I project off on people and most importantly, my kids.
I've always been the cool girl. The guys I grew up with and went to school with looked at me as one of the boys. I fit right in from passing the L's, to sipping Alize and Gin. Always laid back and reserved, never snatched out of my element. Not even when I was dancing, believe it or not, I was sober!! Cool deal. I knew how to have fun and knew when it was time to chill and just blow smoke. Not to toot my own horn, but I was the shit! I was every man's all-around female. LOL!!
Anywho, still me. WAS still doing the same thing, however somewhere along the lines, my tolerance has ultimately FAILED. I found out that it is really hard to quit doing something that you have been doing for so long. I also found out the difference between habits and being addicted. In the beginning, it was customary for me to drink every weekend, a habit. I didn't feel like I was addicted to alcohol because I could miss a weekend or 2 and not think nothing else about it. And plus, it didn't consume my life (you know like the books say it suppose to) It was fun and it was something I liked doing. We girls would get together, drink up and talk about everything under the sun. Now, my recent downfall is becoming dependent on it. Using alcohol to surpress my state of depression. When life starts to suck, I'll drink to that. When life starts to be fun, I'll drink to that. I'll drink to whatever the occassion was or wasn't. It didn't matter. I had to take a drink once getting home from work. Block out the kids. Block out this man who I think could possibly be my boyfriend or maybe he's just a roommate. I don't know and who cares, I'll drink to that!
I'm not sure what time period my tolerance began to slowly deplete, however it doesn't matter. I missed a step and threw up far too many times to count. I've only had a handful of "black-out" episodes which are more than enough. Unbelievable! Your body still functions but your mind doesn't? So what the hell is it that your body could possibly want to do without you? You remember absolutely nothing unless someone was there to tell you about yourself. WOW!! Imagine doing something unspeakable, far beyond immoral, and you could never take it back? Sleeping with a friend, your partner's friend, abusing your children, abusing your spouse? Nope! That hasn't happened to me but it could have. I want to be able to control myself. My first "black-out" episode was crucial. I've never had to call into work until then and when I looked in the mirror, I didn't even recognize myself. And I can't even begin to talk about that night, because I don't remember it. I mean, WTF!!! An experience to remember, for sure (or not remember). I quit drinking for a period of about 2 to 3 months and then I switched to wine. I thought it would be more sympathetic to my needs. Guess we can call it a substitute. It didn't do any better. I can pick a bottle of this shit up and drink all day AND it was "red wine" so "it's good for me". LMAO!!! I swear.
I can say within the last 2 years is when I was being told that something wasn't right. How and why the drinking got heavy, who knows? Obviously the people on the outside looking in can see when a problem is arising. Constant reminders and sometimes avoidance. Depression was my problem and the only thing that was my friend was this guy named Alcohol. He made everything go away. But waking up the next morning sending yourself on a guilt trip because you have no earthly idea what the hell happened the night before is terrifying. Oh yeah, and embarassing! In the mist of this first "black-out" and the most recent one, I hadn't really been drinking. At least not on a regular basis anyway. Switching back from wine to liquor straight, was the ultimate boo-boo-the-fool no no. This was my last straw for myself. Regain conciousness and get it together. What the fuck is wrong with me?! You don't know when to stop! *Ass kick* *ass kick myself some more* I'm done!
The past couple days, I have been reviewing my life. What has become of me now and who I use to be. I wouldn't go back and change anything but this. Alcoholic... who me? Naaahh.. not me. I can say that I wasn't overpowered like your average alchey that you hear about or even the ones that you see on "Intervention". It didn't consume my life but it almost did. I can say I have an ounce of willpower. Just enough to slap the shit outta myself and shake me around a little when I'm getting too far gone, that is, after I have sobered up. It's nobody's fault but mine. I was becoming weak to life. Dropping to the floor and knealing at the devil's feet. I'm done! I was anonymously made aware of my own retard actions and something must be done about it. Coming clean is the first step. Damn! and to think.. I have so much other shit to work on. One minute, you think you are unstoppable and the next minute you have hit rock bottom and life has chewed your ass up, swallowed you and then purged you into the most unsanitary toilet that could be smelled over a mile away from the farthest truck stop. Does that make me an alcoholic? Starting and not knowing when to stop? Waking up from bad dreams only to find out it was real? I can't continue to torture myself and I won't.
Laid to rest, the bullshit along with the "bottle". I'm out.
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