Life Goes On

The excitement dies and the comforting, but yet aggonizing "Congrats" still come at you like yesterday never happened. So what do you do? Do you smile and say "thank you" and just keep walking or do you turn around and look them dead in their faces as if they are stupider than the stupidest of them all. Don't you see I don't have a belly anymore? Guess they won't know unless you tell them. Realizing that there is something rather different about you, but naaahhhh, that can't be right. Must be a pregnancy thing. But the point is, if they were never so busy meddling in your business, that little piece of time frame would have never been so awkward. So when you congratulate me (now)... are you congratulating me on my successful pregnancy or are congratulating me on my successful miscarriage? You didn't even ask if I was carrying and I never, personally told you that I was carrying but yet you can ask me when do I find out if it is a boy or a girl. Really?! #getthefuckouttahere!!

So I can be stubborn, bitter, and downright bitchy. But if I felt the need to keep everyone aligned for my every breaking newsflash, then I would and if I don't, then that means DON'T give me your comments, questions or concerns. Why don't people get it? I'm not here to except pity, apologies, or sad faces. I'm only here to vent and half the time viewers/readers seem to miss the real points of my writing either way, but it's pointless to vent about that because I'm quite sure that once this word gets out, the expected is what I will be hearing over the next couple weeks or so. One thing I can say is, when something is unexpectedly taken away from you, whether it's been a day, a month or 10 weeks; your life seems to fall into a whole new game-level. Just a minute ago, I was coming up with names to continue my line of uniqueness and regality along with Superior (my son) and Blessing (my daughter). Just a minute ago, I was back in "mommy mode" thinking about what it would feel like to hold such a small human being again. Wondering if this will be another 4 pounder? Maybe smaller. Or will this one kick ass and reach a whopping 5? lol! The comforting smell of Johnson & Johnson baby powder and lotions. The excitement of everything new. The adrenaline rush that comes with being a "high risk" factor and still being able to conquer such miracles in the time of dier needs, literally. New editions and introductions. This is ......, your new brother, your new sister, your new grandchild, neice, nephew.... MY new son... MY new daughter... Welcome home?

I fight back the tears and become overwhelmed with mixed emotions. What am I crying for? We hadn't even gotten to the stages of movement, so what is there to miss? I knew he/she was in there. Am I saddened because I feel inadequate as a woman that I couldn't carry another baby? Or do I feel the embarassment from sharing with the world that I was on my way to building yet a new empire and failed? When you're in the moment of your "glow", expectancy becomes a responsibility for everyone else's fascination with pregnant women... the aftermath of miscarrying is when you realize that you just lost your job. You were fired without warning or reasoning, and you are left with continuing on with your life as if nothing ever happened. So what about the little tiny heartbeat that I saw beating so rapidly? It doesn't matter because people don't miss what they've never had; along with responses to the effect of it may have been for the better or it wasn't in God's plans. It was only implanted in me and my memory for reference. I didn't uphold my end of the bargain and therefore life goes on...

Until next time bloggers...